Just A Cat.

Heathcliff at the vet

Okay, so you’re telling me that Heathcliff is a smart enough cat to run complex schemes, help people open businesses and to have a bookie but sometimes he just does some dumb cat shit? Also, let’s talk about the logistics of a cat nip app. How does that work? Catnip gains it’s power from cats smelling and consuming it. How does looking at an app drive him crazy? Then again, I have met people who smoke a ton of weed and act downright crazy just looking at pictures of pot. I guess that could be what this app does.

It’s just weird that grandpa is teasing with Heathcliff using a phone app considering that he recently brought him to the vet because he was using his phone too much.

heathcliff phone collar

While we’re here, let’s talk about this collar. Heathcliff is smart enough to operate a phone, don’t you think he can just remove that collar whenever he wants? Also, what veterinary school gives out degrees that just say “Vet.” I don’t know any veterinarians I can ask but if you know of any, please ask them which shitty vet school is out here doing this.

Newest Additions To The Helmet Canon.

Sorry to everyone who has been waiting for a new Heathcliff, For Why? post. You see, I’ve been very busy being lazy. I’d tweet about the new comics or post on Facebook but I’ve been neglecting the 8 people who read this. No more!

When we last left off in Heathcliff helmet land, we’d learned about the “HEY” helmet. Since then, we’ve learned about two more helmets. 

omega 3 helmet


The omega-3 helmet. Is weird because Heathcliff doesn’t eat the fish. We’ve established that he just trolls the shit out of them on the regular.

Next up, we have the PEAS helmet.

peas helmetWhy does this helmet exist? Heathcliff doesn’t even like veggies. Is he just planning to attack the people who are visiting because he hates peas? Is he going to steal their peas? What’s your game plan here, Heathcliff? 

Whatever. Welcome to the Helmet Canon. 



Laundry Day.


Heathcliff doesn’t wear clothes very often and if he did, he wouldn’t be able to fit into any of these clothes. But let’s say Heathcliff did wear these clothes. They’re basically the same size as Iggy Nutmeg’s clothes. How sad would your life be if you had to live with your grandparents and share clothes with their lawless cat? Very. Pray for Iggy Nutmeg, y’all.

Hey Helmet.

We have another update to the Heathcliff Helmet Canon: the HEY helmet.



I have many things to say about this.

Why is he wearing the helmet in this scenario? Heathcliff normally wears a helmet when he’s about to attack something. This helmet seems inconsistent with his agenda of socializing with people at the party. Also, who are these people at the party? The Nutmegs don’t seem to have that many young friends. And why is grandpa a waiter at his own party?

Pat, a friend of mine, pointed out that Heathcliff probably just told a racist joke. He’s probably not wrong. Also: are there any non-white people in Westfinster?

Heathcliff Without Heathcliff.

My friend Jeremy aka @afterglide on Twitter made Heathcliff Without Heathcliff. I suggested that Iggy Nutmeg was really Jon Arbuckle as a child and Jeremy suggested that Heathcliff needs its own thing like Garfield Minus Garfield. He’s right. I have invited Jeremy to post his work on this blog, so who knows if he will.

Heathcliff Without Heathcliff


What’s great about Heathcliff Without Heathcliff is that it’s just people yelling explanations for no goddamn reason.

Meanwhile, my friend Sarah (who makes jewelry here) has explained why this improves Heathcliff on Facebook:

No, it makes exponentially more sense AND is funny! Wow. Garfield Minus Garfield just paints John as a nut, this creates believable scenarios with just a touch of wry humor.

Two old men saying “You say ‘bro” too much” to one another!? Hilarious! Iggy fretting about hearing the parole officer’s faux LOLs? Totally “awww” worthy! And telling the lady they’re all out of soup without Heathcliff and his big, dumb spoon turning it all to a giant health code violation? Well, I tittered.

I think what I’ve learned here is that NAPG [non-actor Peter Gallagher] draws these first without Heathcliff and then strives to insert him in the least humorous manner possible

An Important Addition To The Helmet Canon.

First we learned about the HAM helmet.

Then we learned about the GRAVY helmet.


You won’t believe what helmet there is now, folks!

“Is it turkey or chicken wings?” – My mom

No, mom, don’t be stupid.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, chicken wings wouldn’t fit on the helmet…It’s just words? There isn’t a logo. That’s so stupid!” – My mom again

The newest Heathcliff helmet is….



Look, I don’t know which angel investor is funding Heathcliff’s bullshit businesses but he or she needs to stop. This is a stupid business model for so many reasons. How many adults can fit their heads into a helmet made for a giant cat? How many cats have money? How many of the kids in town (who happen to be the same size as Heathcliff) want a kale helmet? And why does Heathcliff like kale? He doesn’t. He robs butchers and fish mongers. He sells beef cider. Kale? Oh kaaaale no!

And Non-Actor Peter Gallagher, a New Jersey resident, actually tried passing off kale helmets during Super Bowl week? Seriously, dude? Not cool.

But can I be honest with you guys for a second? If I saw a cat selling helmets on the corner, I’d probably buy one. That’s hilarious.

Anyway, I can’t wait to see what helmet will be added to the canon next!

Next up, at some point, will be the cat-machine canon.

Important Non-Heathcliff News.

But first, some important Heathcliff news:

I have located information on Non-Actor Peter Gallagher from his Alpha Comedy profile!  We’ll talk about it more later.

Onward to the non-Heathcliff news. Since no one has asked, yes, I do have other writings on the internet. I have a sporadically updated blog called House of Procrastination and I am on Twitter as ItsTheBrandi.

Head on over!

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