In Which I Apologize and Then Redeem Myself.

First off, I’d like to issue a correction.

I’ve been referring to Heathcliff’s girlfriend as “Cleo.” Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name is Sonja. Clio is Riff-Raff’s girlfiend. Riff-Raff is one of the Catillac Cats. I’m sorry if I upset you with my mistakes but at least I’m not Slate. Amirite?

Here’s a picture of Riff-Raff and Cleo in a giant hot air balloon shaped like Riff-Raff’s head.riffraffballoon Ladies, if your man picks you up in a balloon shaped like his head, you best lock that man down.

Next, it has come to my attention that Josh over at The Comics Curmudgeon has linked to this blog. Yay! He has some breaking Heathcliff news that I tweeted about but was too busy watching terrible television to blog about. Check it out!

Earlier today I went to Popeye’s and my grandma gifted me a set of warm pajamas. Then I sat at home and watched television, including the wonderful Kroll Show. I only tell you this because it sets up what an amazing day I was having BEFORE what I write next happened.

On tonight’s Kroll Show, Friend-of-the-Blog and actor Peter Gallagher played a gigolo mentor.

Before the show aired, I’d heard he was going to be a guest on the show but had no idea what he’d be doing. I sent him a tweet about my hopes for his appearance and referencing an earlier exchange about Heathcliff. AND HE REPLIED!
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Anyway, I know you read this blog because of the hard-hitting investigative reporting about Heathcliff that you can’t get at places that shell out for custom domains. I’ve been trying to track down more information about “Non-Actor Peter Gallagher” (that’s what my friends and I call the cartoonist). So far, I’ve located original Heathcliff cartoonist George Gately’s obit. I also spent 2 minutes Googling. Interesting tidbits from the LA Times obit:

Heathcliff, named after the major character in the classic Emily Bronte novel “Wuthering Heights,” was indeed a success. The strip, offering the adventures of the smug fat cat, predated by several years “Garfield,” another strip with a feline star.

Everyone can shut the hell up and eat some lasagna because Heathcliff was first.

“[Heathcliff] had this great idea of himself, his importance,” John Gallagher said. “He would go to get his family tree traced but was also a hellion who had his own bookie.”

Heathcliff is Rob Ford, maybe?

“He would go to cat shows around the country and people would come seeking autographs, not for themselves but for their cats,” John Gallagher said. “So he would sign his name [and] ‘Good Luck, Tabby,’ or ‘Best Wishes, Spike.’ “

Gallagher recalled that one woman asked for a particularly odd inscription.

“Her cat was named Hitler, so somewhere there is an autograph from George Gately reading: ‘Good Luck, Hitler,’ ” Gallagher said.

WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK?! If someone asks you to sign something for their cat named Hitler, you say “no.” You always say no.

“When you look at the features that have been successful, you notice that they’re usually very simple, and deal with things that people of every circumstance can relate to. . . . I’m very careful to never make the home in my cartoon look too fancy. I’m as interested in having the poorest person relate to Heathcliff as I am the richest person.”

Poor people don’t get new furniture ever day. There is absolutely no consistency in that house. There’s a fridge that moves around the kitchen. Yes, this will be a post. My friend, Pat, gets very upset about the fridge moving around.

Anyway, RIP George Gately.

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Important Investigative Reporting.

Today, the Comics Curmudgeon aka Josh Fruhlinger tweeted the following:

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It’s true! I do investigative Heathcliff reporting. For example, I’ve been hoping insisting that Heathcliff was drawn by Peter Gallagher the actor (Covert Affairs, The OC, Step Up 4 Revolution) as some sort of a side hobby. But then those dreams came crashing to the ground at the very end of 2013.

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This exchange might have been on of the greatest things to happen to me in 2013. Anyway, little did I know that more tragic Heathcliff news was to follow. My friend Jeremy, who I often tweet about Heathcliff with, sent me a link about Kitty Korner. Kitty Korner is the Sunday-only feature where we learn about a random American’s cat. I’ve recently submitted my cat, Jonathan, and I hope that he can get in. Turns out, Kitty Korner, in the words of Jeremy, “is farmed out.” That’s right, non-actor Peter Gallagher doesn’t even draw Kitty Korner! I can’t with this…

By the way, if you’re looking to submit to Kitty Korner, The Garbage Ape twitter account suggested that you might submit here.

Yes, I’m well aware that so much of what I’ve written here sounds crazy. Because it is. Heathcliff‘s universe is absolutely batshit insane.

Thanks for the shoutout, Josh!

Stray Observations.

I tend to post way more about Heathcliff on Facebook than on this blog. Why? Because my blog posts are way more indepth and often I’m not feeling it.

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Today’s post will be a series of stray observations. Because I’m not feeling it today.

On Captions.

My friend Pat S. insists that, even better than re-captioning every Heathcliff comic with the traditional, “Christ, what an asshole,” Heathcliff could be re-captioned with the falsely-attributed Gucci Mane line, “Bitch, I might be.” This only works part of the time.

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Meanwhile, Comics Curmudgeon says that the new “Christ, what an asshole” is “I’m thinking of unfriending him on facebook.”

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Bitch, it might be any of these.

On Crumbs.

Heathcliff is always harassing the urban wild-life. A while back, he dressed up as a giant crumb in order to lure birds. It didn’t work.
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Birds do some stupid stuff but there’s no way any bird thought that Heathcliff was a giant crumb. Anyway, given that Heathcliff is always trying to attack them, you’d think that birds would be leery of  Heathcliff. You’d be wrong.

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Does this not scream “TRAP!!!!”? I have a few other questions:

  1. What was the crumb baker’s original idea that Heathcliff shot down? It was worse than a store that caters to ducks and sells crumbs?
  2. Why wouldn’t you just sell baked goods to people AND crumbs to ducks?
  3. How does Westfinster have an economy considering they cater to animals?
  4. How isn’t this a trap?

On Prison Pose.

I’m really annoyed by Heathcliff on all fours. It makes no sense. He has fat back legs and skinny arms. He can’t walk on all fours like a normal cat and when he crouches down, it should look more like a “prison pose“. And, given Heathcliff’s background and criminal tendencies, that makes WAY more sense.

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Here’s Heathcliff incorrectly crouching down on all fours. No, I don’t know why he has a white beard.

And here is Heathcliff incorrectly walking on all fours.

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On This Week.

This week Heathcliff has been insane.

Yesterday, we found Heathcliff kickin’ it in front of a fire place with a cupcake. 
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No idea what was going on here but I have a few guesses:

  1. Heathcliff, the Emperor of Cake, is pondering what to conquer next.
  2. Heathcliff, told by his vet that he is a a cat and could die from eating cake, is pondering if he should eat the cupcake or throw himself into the fire.
  3. Heathcliff is drunk.

What’s weird about this situation is that the Nutmegs think that this is something poignant and not at all weird. Your cat that you treat like a person is treating a cupcake like a person. Everyone in Westfinster is batshit insane. Westfinster is the county seat of Batshit Crazy County.

Then today, Heathcliff kept the crazy train going.

crhea131217More questions/comments.

  1. Is Heathcliff wearing pants? The colorist appears to have messed up again. You might remember the recent pants debacle. But why would he be wearing pants?
  2. Where is Heathcliff zip-lining from?
  3. As someone pointed out on Facebook: why isn’t the zip-line going out the window? Heathcliff is just going to fly into the wall.
  4. Also from facebook: “Petted” isn’t a word.
  5. Why are there two cables?
  6. Facebook, again: Grandma is going to get decapitated.
  7. Why doesn’t Heathcliff just walk in the door?
  8. Who let him build that and why?
  9. adsfas;lhdsaf;jhsafd;kjhadsfjkhsafdh;j
  10. The Nutmeg’s house is the Tardis. It looks tiny on the outside but on the insane it’s massive. What’s up with that? You know what, if Heathcliff is part of the Dr. Who universe that would explain a lot. Bitch, he might be.

The Cathyfication of Heathcliff.

Ack! It looks like Peter Gallagher has been reading too much Cathy.

crhea131130I really don’t think it was the pumpkin pie considering this is what Heathcliff wore to Thanksgiving dinner:

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And then he got wasted on  turkey after that.

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Anyway, Grandma Cathy doesn’t understand that adding balloons to your person doesn’t make you lose weight.

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Also, instead of balloons she could have just partially stood on a scale. Anyway, this is the most helpful I’ve seen Heathcliff in eons.

Also: the bathroom in the Nutmeg’s house has no door. And, it’s really large. Weird. My friend Jeremy has pointed out that the walls in the Nutmeg house appear to be a 1/2 an inch thick as well.

When Life Never Gives You Lemons, Make Something Anyway.

Remember when Heathcliff was selling lime-o-lanterns that were really lemons? Well, he has a new business idea.

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I’m surprised that Heathcliff ever acquired apples legitimately. And then, when he lost a fight with the farmer, he then just left? This is uncharacteristic Heathcliff, who normally just steals or bullies people into giving him things. I like that there’s some farmer who will sell to cats and who will tell Heathcliff no. Things would be better in Westfinster if more people told Heathcliff no.

And what the hell is beef cider? Cider is fermented fruit juice. Is this a soup? Why don’t you just call it soup? Considering how much crime Heathcliff commits and how much food he steals, one can assume this beef was not acquired fairly. But again, for why? Why are you setting up a stand selling a product no one wants?

Guest Stars.

Heathcliff may live in his own world but apparently his comic exists in the same universe as a lot of other cartoon characters. You may remember this comic from the very first post:
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So many questions:

  1. Why does Heathcliff have a cabinet full of the heads of various cartoon cats?
  2. Where did he acquire these cat heads?
  3. Why is only Garfield’s head colored in?
  4. Why does grandma not think this is weird?
  5. What’s Heathcliff’s game plan for wearing Felix’s head?
  6. What does feeling Felix mean?
  7. Which of these cartoon cats do you think that Heathcliff would most/least get along with?
  8. Do you think Heathcliff would drive Garfield to suicide? I do.
  9. Why did the cartoonist think decide to draw all these other characters?
  10. Is this a dis-comic to all the other artists out there? Is he like, “Yo, I just called you out, Kendrick Lamar style. Come at me.”?

Anyway, Heathcliff also rolls with famous Muppets.crhea131113

I find this cartoon the most hard to believe. Do you think Oscar the Grouch would be remotely pleased with Heathcliff’s brand of bullshit? I think not. Also, the garbage men would not be pleased to see Heathcliff, the cat who makes their jobs harder by just destroying everything and spreading garbage all over AND Oscar, who yells at them every time they come near his garbage can.

I wonder how Heathcliff and Oscar know each other, anyway. I find it difficult to believe no one from Sesame Street banned Heathcliff. And, let’s be honest, Heathcliff probably murdered Mr. Hooper. Or at least harassed him in his final days. Heathcliff definitely would try to eat Big Bird and Grover would be like, “I need to be faaaaaaaaaar from Heathcliff. Not neeeeeeear him.” Heathcliff wouldn’t mess with Cookie Monster though. No one would.

For Halloween 2013, we got a week of amazing comics. Including this one:

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No damn way that Charlie Brown would go near Heathcliff. Good grief. But again, why did the cartoonist randomly draw this?

Stand Your Girth.

Continuing the trend of throwing incomprehensible Heathcliff comics to my friends, we have this gem:crhea131115

On the GoComics website, someone actually wrote, “What’s a girth?” Whew boy, folks.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, “Please Explain This. Also: I know what Jeremy is going to say already. No, this isn’t about his junk.”

This is what happened:

Mark: Is it just me or has he styled the lower half of his fur to look like denim?

Alvin: He cuffs his fur.

Alvin: The dumbass dog threw a pebble at his Heathclirfs stomach. Stupid move. My cat didn’t even move and kept the chickn firmly in mouth. You ever notice he does a lot of shit with his eyes closed & the most cavalier attitude ever captured in comics.

Alvin: The kids are like, daaaaaaamn!

Elizabeth: Why is he eating the drumstick with no hands?

Brandi: 1. I didn’t even notice the drumstick. This got even more weird than I originally thought. 2. Why *does* his fur have pockets?

Jeremy: Man, HC passed that kidney stone like a boss!

Brandi: This one literally makes no sense to me. Someone get Bill & James.

Brandi: Okay, did the dog throw a rock at Heathcliff and the Heathcliff used his fat belly to repel the rock while he was inexplicably eating a drumstick with no hands?

Linda: and six year olds use the word girth?

Jeremy:  I just assumed the drumstick was floating there independently as a red herring, which is perfectly logical in the Heathcliff universe.

Sarah: He’s wearing pants. Because he’s fat, and getting fatter (hence the drumstick), the pants’ button popped off, hitting the dog.

Brandi: But…This makes perfect sense and absolutely no sense at the same time. Sarah’s explanation is Schroedinger’s Heathcliff Explanation.

Sarah: I once saw this very same thing happen to Kristy Hanson in junior high during choir. We were goofing around, and somehow, her pants button popped off and launched itself for a solid 10 feet, hitting the dry erase board and putting a chip in it. That kind of velocity is nothing to mess around with.

Brandi: I assume Kristy Hanson had standard issue jeans on. Not orange jeans that were designed to blend in with the fur of a tabby cat who never wears pants.

Jeremy: I’ll be damned. He IS wearing pants! Who wears flesh/fur colored pa–never mind. Heathcliff does.

Sarah: Correct. Kristy’s jeans were of the sort that were the norm for a 14 year old girl in 1993. That is, high rise, not baggy, but not form fitting, with tapered legs.

Alvin: If he used his powers for good, he could end bullying by himself

James: Sarah is correct. Heathcliff grows buttons on his abdomen, which pop off violently when he binges on drumsticks. If he can time it so he can assault a neighborhood pooch, it is totally defensible under Stand Your Ground. Heathcliff is totally George Zimmerman in cat form.

That took way too much effort to get to the bottom of. Also, Heathcliff NEVER gets them with his girth. He never wears pants. Why is he randomly wearing pants in this comic? WHY?!

The Deepest Conversation About Sandwiches I’ve Ever Read.

Sometimes, I have absolutely no idea what a Heathcliff comic is about and I’ll just throw it to my facebook friends. Often, whenever I do this, the results are remarkable. Yesterday’s Heathcliff was no exception.

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I posted the comic and wrote, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN?” and this was the resulting thread:

Bill: Heathcliff represents the inner city working class and the sandwich represents how the “white flight” to the suburbs was destroying the urban economy and ultimately taking food out of his mouth.

Bill: Heathcliff’s actually pretty heady when you look at it from just the right angle.

Brandi: So is the man who prefers “Whole Wheat” saying, “I prefer staying in the inner city and gentrifying it.”? Also, why does Heathcliff work in construction?

Bill: Because he’s an avatar of the working poor. That’s why the other worker has a hardhat and Heathcliff doesn’t. It’s to show how he has no protection from the economic forces that harm him.

Brandi: Damn, son. That’s deep. Heathcliff is a black man. 

James: I think I know what the actual joke is here, but it’s gonna be a let down after the gold I just read.

James: Alright, screw it. You see, ladies and germs… what we have here is a classic bait-and-switch. Our blue-collar friend there is picking at his bourgeois ham on wheat, while Heathcliff – get this – HEATHCLIFF is eating a freaking BIRD SANDWICH. Now the reaction we’d expect from the construction worker would be, “Holy shitballs, that’s a bird sandwich. No thank you, my good man. I prefer processed, shaved ham to a raw (living) bird.” But no, that would be low-hanging fruit. Instead, he’s all like, “What if instead, I mention the BREAD? Mofo will never see it coming. Because again, this cat probably expects me to talk about the bird. This’ll be rich! Here I go!” That’s right, Heathcliff just took us comics to CHURCH.

James: I also prefer to look at this panel and imagine that Heathcliff is not looking nose-up at the errant lunch, but rather dead-on at the reader, with one giant cataract eye – dead center at the top of his head.

Brandi: Damn. I’d pay for Bill & James’ Heathcliff Comedy Bootcamp.

I was already crying after reading Bill and James’ Heathcliff analysis but then Pat realizes that Camus is really the only person who can truly explain Heathcliff. Note: there probably needs to be a “Camus, For Why?” Blog.

Pat: I’m just gonna start pasting literary analyses from Albert Camus’s “The Stranger” but I will replace the main character, Mersault, with Heathcliff.

Pat: “The ideals of existentialism seem to be embedded heavily in this scene as Heathcliff harshly denies his belonging to the group of humanity and insists on being his own person. Any time he is forced by society to identify, interact, or express basic human emotions and behavior, he views it as a form of punishment that stifles his individual desires.”

Pat: “Heathcliff is a detached figure who views and describes much of what occurs around him from a removed position. He is emotionally indifferent to others, even to his mother and his lover.”

Alvin: I feel the theme song is a cry for help.

Brandi: There was the episode where Heathcliff tried to make his mom believe he was adopted by a rich family. He also drove his dad to rob a bank to go back to prison to get away from him. Also: Richie Incognito is scared of Heathcliff.

Pat: Heathcliff’s ultimate vindication is in having remained true to himself and to his feelings in a society that cultivates deception and hypocrisy.”

Brandi: Also: HE REALLY LIKES CAKE!

Pat: “Heathcliff is a troubled soul trying to find happiness in an indifferent world. His attitude should inspire no admiration, and certainly is not to be imitated. He is a quasi-antihero. Where typical heroes devote their entire lives to a cause, Heathcliff has no faith in any cause, and indeed recognizes no meaning. Despite his tenacity for living in the present moment, Heathcliff is blind to the fact that every choice he makes is made with his knowing that no matter what choice is made, he will ultimately die.”

Will: Wow. I see “whole wheat is heavier and healthier than white bread.”

Brandi: That makes sense too. This comic requires even more teamwork than the ham helmet one. By the way, Heathcliff also has a gravy helmet.

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I Think I See The Problem(s).

Heathcliff, A Real American Cat, is always trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Granted, he subsists off the corporate welfare of enabling humans but whatever.

It’s almost Halloween and Heathcliff has a brilliant business plan!

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1. Those are lemons. Before you call Heathcliff a dumbass, know that cats can’t see the color green. Those kids are assholes for not telling him that he’s been carving lemons. Then again, he’s an idiot for not knowing that lemons and limes smell and taste different.

2. Lemons/limes don’t really hold up when carved. And they REALLY won’t hold up once you put a tiny candle in them.

3. Heathcliff, for why?

Team Pie.

Remember when I expressed my suspicions that Heathcliff wasn’t really that big a fan of cake and that he is really Team Pie?

The other day, Heathcliff tried to challenge some kids to a pie eating contest. 

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Oh, so you’re telling me that a cat who flies a CAKE flag and “really likes cake” goes around challenging people to PIE eating contests. This is the definition of a false-flag operation, folks. Literally a false-flag. Heathcliff is “Agent Orange”. Benghazi? Heathcliff. Jesse Ventura, I have the documents you are looking for. 

I don’t know what I just wrote but I have a cold, so whatever. It probably makes more sense than Heathcliff generally does.