Stand Your Girth.

Continuing the trend of throwing incomprehensible Heathcliff comics to my friends, we have this gem:crhea131115

On the GoComics website, someone actually wrote, “What’s a girth?” Whew boy, folks.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, “Please Explain This. Also: I know what Jeremy is going to say already. No, this isn’t about his junk.”

This is what happened:

Mark: Is it just me or has he styled the lower half of his fur to look like denim?

Alvin: He cuffs his fur.

Alvin: The dumbass dog threw a pebble at his Heathclirfs stomach. Stupid move. My cat didn’t even move and kept the chickn firmly in mouth. You ever notice he does a lot of shit with his eyes closed & the most cavalier attitude ever captured in comics.

Alvin: The kids are like, daaaaaaamn!

Elizabeth: Why is he eating the drumstick with no hands?

Brandi: 1. I didn’t even notice the drumstick. This got even more weird than I originally thought. 2. Why *does* his fur have pockets?

Jeremy: Man, HC passed that kidney stone like a boss!

Brandi: This one literally makes no sense to me. Someone get Bill & James.

Brandi: Okay, did the dog throw a rock at Heathcliff and the Heathcliff used his fat belly to repel the rock while he was inexplicably eating a drumstick with no hands?

Linda: and six year olds use the word girth?

Jeremy:  I just assumed the drumstick was floating there independently as a red herring, which is perfectly logical in the Heathcliff universe.

Sarah: He’s wearing pants. Because he’s fat, and getting fatter (hence the drumstick), the pants’ button popped off, hitting the dog.

Brandi: But…This makes perfect sense and absolutely no sense at the same time. Sarah’s explanation is Schroedinger’s Heathcliff Explanation.

Sarah: I once saw this very same thing happen to Kristy Hanson in junior high during choir. We were goofing around, and somehow, her pants button popped off and launched itself for a solid 10 feet, hitting the dry erase board and putting a chip in it. That kind of velocity is nothing to mess around with.

Brandi: I assume Kristy Hanson had standard issue jeans on. Not orange jeans that were designed to blend in with the fur of a tabby cat who never wears pants.

Jeremy: I’ll be damned. He IS wearing pants! Who wears flesh/fur colored pa–never mind. Heathcliff does.

Sarah: Correct. Kristy’s jeans were of the sort that were the norm for a 14 year old girl in 1993. That is, high rise, not baggy, but not form fitting, with tapered legs.

Alvin: If he used his powers for good, he could end bullying by himself

James: Sarah is correct. Heathcliff grows buttons on his abdomen, which pop off violently when he binges on drumsticks. If he can time it so he can assault a neighborhood pooch, it is totally defensible under Stand Your Ground. Heathcliff is totally George Zimmerman in cat form.

That took way too much effort to get to the bottom of. Also, Heathcliff NEVER gets them with his girth. He never wears pants. Why is he randomly wearing pants in this comic? WHY?!

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Cats Be Real Creeperish.

My younger cousin hates cats. I thought it was because he’s severely allergic to them. Turns out, it’s for a deeper reason. My cousin explained, “Yo, cats be real creeperish. They be rubbin’ up on you like uninvited houseguests, then they just leave like nothing happened.”

A few things:
1. Dogs hump legs.
2. What kind of uninvited houseguests does my cousin have? If an uninvited houseguest rubs up on you, that’s probably a break-in. Only a Minnesotan would call a break-in/molestation “an uninvited houseguest.”
3. Should the cat stick around for a while? What cat hurt him?

Still, my cousin has a point. And nothing underscores this point better than the creeperish stuff Heathcliff be doing.

Here, Heathcliff partakes in some good, ol’ fashioned street harassment. crhea071008

 

The weird part is that the construction workers aren’t giving “The New Kid” grief for needing to be “mentored” by a cat.  In other news, what’s up with the legs of those two construction workers? It looks like they have paddles for legs.

Wait, does Heathcliff work for the construction company? That would explain where he gets all his money. Also, it brings into question the structural integrity of the entire town of Westfinster.

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Aren’t all cats metrosexual by default? Have you ever been around a cat? Diva/os, ALL of them.

But back to Heathcliff’s creeperish behavior…

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Heathcliff has taught himself to play the fife and he has composed a “nut song”. Look, I’m not animal expert but I’m pretty sure that squirrels aren’t drawn toward the sound of fifes. Also: “nut song” looks/sounds like some type of hazing invented by frat boys. If I had to guess which frat Heathcliff belonged to, I’d say DKE.

Oh my stars, “nut song” IS a frat thing. From Urban Dictionary:

A song played by someone to celebrate getting a nut. It is traditionally played early in the morning in a fraternity house as the girl is leaving in order to A.) wake up your neighbors to let them know you got a nut, and B.) alert your boys so they have a chance to check her out as she leaves. It is also typically a really funny/goofy song, eg. the YMCA song, or Jump (For My Love).

Yup, Heathcliff is totally a DKE bro.

The more I learn about Heathcliff, the more I think he’s one of those “pick-up artist” bros. Heathcliff probably ghostwrote The Game.

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Heathcliff probably wants to copyright his pick-up lines because he still hasn’t been compensated for being the real author or The Game. Yup, you heard it here first, Neil Strauss didn’t write The Game, Heathcliff the Cat did.

I don’t understand why Clio, Heathcliff’s girlfriend, puts up with him. Also, I don’t understand why all these lady cats are standing peacefully outside, waiting for Heathcliff. If his pick-up lines were that good, those cats would be fighting with each other. Unless, all those cats are scorned women, planning on killing Heathcliff as soon as he exists the law firm.

Also: there’s an intellectual property law firm in Westfinster that has cat clientele.

Finally, there’s this gem from a 9-11 a few years ago.

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Heathcliff is an independent contractor for the Westfinster Dog Catcher. Why don’t they catch cats? Good question. Anyway, given what we know about independent contractors and the town of Westfinster, it’s safe to say there’s little-to-no oversight. Heathcliff just drives around in his “spank van” delivering vigilante puppy justice, all with the blessing of The Man. Enabling-ass humans.

Never Forget To Do Your Job.

On 9/11/11, we saw the only post 9/11/01 Heathcliff comic that was about the 9/11.

 

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That’s a nice sentiment but the first-responders in Heathcliff aren’t that heroic. They never do anything to stop Heathcliff’s crimes.

 

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Here, Heathcliff is stealing food and the two police officers don’t do anything. They’re just like, “Oh, cool, a cat on a bike.” Westfinster tax dollars at work, folks!  Yes, the town is called Westfinster.

Also, a cat stole a dog from a fire station without anyone noticing or protesting, including the dog. Dogs are dumb and Heathcliff is ridiculous. Never forget.