Winter Is Coming.

I don’t know what kind of protection money the butcher is paying Heathcliff but clearly, it’s not enough.

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The cool part about this is that the people of Westfinster have just given up. You own a building with locking doors, you make your livelihood selling meat, there’s a dog catcher. I’m just saying, you could probably stop a tabby cat from destroying your business on the regular if you really tried.

Meanwhile, over at the deli, my friends and I spent an entire day on Facebook trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Seriously. One person is missing from this thread because he quit facebook. Toward the end. Smart move, J2. Smart move, indeed.

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J: That cat is unshooable.

P: That dude is always going HAM.

J: Bet that asshole cat shows up at Hallmark stores wearing one that says “CARDS.”

Me: Why do they always let him into their stores? It’s not like there’s a law that says kicking a stealing cat out of a food store is discrimination.

J: Hell, they can even manhandle (cathandle??) him without fear of a lawsuit. He’s a cat. Try filing suit without thumbs, tuna breath!

Me: No one ever puts their foot down. He drives a monster truck. Stop him!

J: Wait, now I’m looking this over again — is he actually wearing a pompadour wig with “HAM” on it?? IS IT A WIG?!? GOD DAMN IT I’M LOSING MY SHIT OVER HERE!!!

B: Someone call the Health Department.

Me: Heath department?

B: Boom!

Me: OMG, I don’t know if it’s a wig or a helmet. I hate you, J!

J: *sobs*

J: (from the mindfuck of this cartoon, not from you hating me)

B: Where’s Angie Jordan when you need her?

W: What’s not to get? Ham Hat!

Me:


J: New ringtone!

B2: This is my fault, isn’t it?

Me: Kind of. I don’t think we were fb friends when I went on the insane Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane cover posting spree. Or the Richie Rich spree.

Me: So many questions about this simple cartoon. Or, if you say “ham”, is Heathcliff going to show off. Because he’s a ham. SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Me: Wait, is he on Team Ham and he has the helmet because if you try to take the ham, he will tackle you?

Me: Yay! We may have solved the mystery! Maybe.

Me: But why is that butcher shop letting a cat intimidate customers?

Me: I was right! http://joshreads.com/?p=18343

I still don’t know what’s up with the butcher letting a cat in a helmet intimidate customers. He’s wearing a helmet, that actually gives you an advantage as a human if you want to fight a cat. Stop enabling him, people.

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A Fascinating Sociological Study Of The Cat Prison Cycle.

Heathcliff’s dad, Pop, is a career criminal.

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Sometimes he lives with Grandma, Grandpa and Heathcliff and sometimes he’s in jail. Which is weird, for several reasons:

1. Animal control seems only concerned with catching dogs. crhea130109

2. Heathcliff routinely commits crime and never gets arrested. So much crime.

3. If you’re a career criminal pet who routinely commits crime and you keep getting “arrested”, you’re usually euthanized.

But the weirdest thing, obviously, is that Heathcliff’s dad wears prison clothes. Somewhere near Westfinster, there is an adorable cat prison that dresses cats up in clothes. Westfinster might be in Japan. And this cat prison might be a private prison run by the lady who runs Cat Prin:  tailor of a cat.

You can tell Heathcliff’s dad is trying to be a good dad because he’s trying to spend time with his son. Then again, he’s not really trying that hard to be a good influence because, well, HE WEARS PRISON CLOTHES ON THE OUTSIDE. Also, they plot crimes together.

heathcliffs DadWhat are they getting away from? Also: Heathcliff has, like, 20 modes of transport already. Where did this rundown car come from? And why don’t their owners seem concerned. About the owners…

Why don’t Grandma and Grandpa take some responsibility for their cat. My cat used to be an outdoor cat until he got arrested for breaking into my neighbors house and, after retrieving him from the Humane Society, he became an indoor cat (because he had gotten sick). This is a true story. Also, my cat was allowed to wear his normal cat clothes consisting of nothing. How much money do these people spend on bailing Pop out of cat prison? And how doesn’t Heathcliff just use his insider connections to prevent his dad from getting arrested? Westfinster is perhaps the most confusingly corrupt town in the Western cartoon world.

On the Heathcliff cartoon (The second one. Yes, there were two.) Pop doesn’t wear prison clothes. He just has heavier stripes. I guess because he was born a criminal. Or he got cat tattoos in prison. I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to believe that some cats are innate criminals.

Here’s the YouTube summary for the episode “Pop on Parole“.

“Heathcliff’s father has been paroled from prison for good behavior. But he needs to visit his parole officer before 5pm. Pops decides to drop in on his son, and Heathcliff immediately thinks he broke outta the joint! He tries to hide him, but he runs away, eventually due to Heathcliff’s harassment (and the fact that he’s a habitual criminal), he robs a bank and is hauled off to jail again.”‘

There’s a cat parole office in Westfinster? Who runs that? Again, no one gives a damn what Heathcliff does. Also, this entire episode is crazy. Heathcliff drove his dad into going back to prison. Is there a cat therapist in Westfinster? There needs to be. Whew boy.  Anyway, you can watch this episode if you want.

I know what you’re thinking; where’s Heathcliff’s mom?

Here’s a summary from a YouTube account where you can buy an episode of the show (including another episode about hockey):

Heathcliff’s thrilled to learn his mom is coming to visit, but terrified she’ll discover he’s been fibbing about living with a wealthy family. Enlisting Sonja’s aid, Heathcliff pretends to live in her mansion. Between dodging Marcy and Iggy in the neighborhood and the maid and butler inside the mansion, Heathcliff has his hands full keeping up a fat-cat front. Finally, Heathcliff confesses to Mom. After meeting the Nutmegs she wonders why Heathcliff bothered fibbing when he lives with such a wonderful family. Giving Mom a goodbye kiss, Heathcliff suggests that maybe he lives with a good family because he came from a good family.

Wait, how did she find Heathcliff in the first place? I have so many questions but this blog isn’t about the television shows, it’s about the comic strip.

You can watch the segment here:

In conclusion, someone should write a dissertation on Heathcliff’s family.