When Life Never Gives You Lemons, Make Something Anyway.

Remember when Heathcliff was selling lime-o-lanterns that were really lemons? Well, he has a new business idea.

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I’m surprised that Heathcliff ever acquired apples legitimately. And then, when he lost a fight with the farmer, he then just left? This is uncharacteristic Heathcliff, who normally just steals or bullies people into giving him things. I like that there’s some farmer who will sell to cats and who will tell Heathcliff no. Things would be better in Westfinster if more people told Heathcliff no.

And what the hell is beef cider? Cider is fermented fruit juice. Is this a soup? Why don’t you just call it soup? Considering how much crime Heathcliff commits and how much food he steals, one can assume this beef was not acquired fairly. But again, for why? Why are you setting up a stand selling a product no one wants?

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Get Your Own Damn Dinner.

Heathcliff loves to eat. In fact, he loves ham so much that he somehow acquired Team Ham gear. Heathcliff is savvy enough to steal food and to hoist a flag proclaiming his (bullshit) love of cake yet, somehow, he can’t open the fridge to get food in his own house.

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Heathcliff is a jerk. Also, why do Grandma and Grandpa even bother feeding Heathcliff regular cat food. He hates it and he keeps making it known.

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I assume they’ve already stolen and eaten dinner during one of their father/son crime sprees.

Also, you have Heathcliff and Pops living on your house, you really shouldn’t leave other animals unattended.

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Oh, look, Heathcliff being creeperish. I’m surprised he hasn’t actually eaten them yet.

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Oh.

 

I appreciate how matter-of-fact these fish are as they’re staring certain death in the face. Very courageous. These fish are the true heroes of Westfinster.

Anyway, an unattended fishbowl is nothing, considering that Heathcliff has built high-tech contraptions to take out his enemies or prey.

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I don’t understand a lot about this picture. Especially, the perspective. Why are the bird AND the mouse so large? That’s a huge mousetrap Heathcliff built but it’s nothing compared to this:

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I have no idea what Heathcliff’s end-game is with Robocat. I does, however, raise the issue of Heathcliff starting a drone program. I’m concerned.

Wait…they’re not really in any danger at all. Heathcliff just takes the fish out to play with them? That’s mad creepy, Heathcliff.

crhea130101Heathcliff drinks beer but he can’t figure out how to operate a faucet and get water that doesn’t have fish living in it? Does this cat know how anything inside his own home works?

You need to stop drinking so much, Heathcliff. 


 

 

Drunks Of All Stripes.

Earlier, I said that Heathcliff never gets in trouble for any of the crime that he commits. That might not true. He seems to have a criminal attorney.crhea131005

To be fair, that could be his dad‘s attorney. Regardless of who he represents, this attorney thinks that it’s a good idea to get drunk with a cat right in front of the courthouse. Look, maybe the reason you’re forced to be an attorney for cats is because you think having a cookout in front of the courthouse with your client is a good idea.

It’s weird how cats are allowed to have therapists, attorneys and all sorts of other things in Westfinster and they can be convicted of crimes but there are no cat-owned businesses. Inevitably, this will lead to a cat uprising in Westfinster. I don’t want to be like, “I told you so.” when it happens…but I will be.

 

Also, this isn’t a nice tailgate. It’s, like, two sausages and some beer that he probably stole from the alcoholic grandpa he lives with. i130318heathcliff

I know, just because you get drunk on St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t mean that you’re an alcoholic. But if you get drunk with your cat and your cat is also drunk, that’s a sign you might have a drinking problem. Also, this:crhea130928

Every time I’ve heard of “beer training”, it involves training for a drinking game. “Beer training” in this context isn’t a thing but co-dependency is real, yo. Heathcliff has therapists who clearly have a lot of work to do.

Anyway, the blonde attorney in the first comic the only voice of reason. His face says it all.

Still no word on who arrests Heathcliff.

Orange You Glad I Did Wear A Banana.

Normally, Heathcliff wears costumes that serve a purpose.

193e2c605e7e012ee3bf00163e41dd5bCatching dogs….

 

 

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Catching mice…

But, here, he’s wearing a banana costume to his therapist. Yes, he has a therapist yet somehow he still does all sorts of asshole things. crhea071101

Who’s paying this dude? This man went to college and grad school (or took some online classes) and now he’s stuck being a therapist for wayward cats. Livin’ the dream, man. Still, this dude isn’t the only man in the cat counseling game.

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I believe I see several problems. First off, this counselor is an idiot. He’s dealing with cats. Cats are always falling asleep on couches. If you see a cat just chillin’ on a couch not sleeping, it probably just woke up or is planning to go to sleep shortly. Do you know how much Heathcliff does in a day? A lot. Of course he’s sleeping. Good grief, Clio, lay off.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering why Heathcliff would wear a giant banana costume. I don’t know but I suspect it has something to do with the Garbage Ape.

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The Garbage Ape is an ape who shows up at night and just trashes the streets of Westfinster. He just delivers cans of trash to the feral/outdoor cats around town. Basically, he’s Heathcliff’s dealer. I think he’s pretend but, honestly, who knows what’s real any more. I sure don’t.

Also, note the birds explaining why Heathcliff loves the really weird thing he’s doing. More enabling.

A Fascinating Sociological Study Of The Cat Prison Cycle.

Heathcliff’s dad, Pop, is a career criminal.

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Sometimes he lives with Grandma, Grandpa and Heathcliff and sometimes he’s in jail. Which is weird, for several reasons:

1. Animal control seems only concerned with catching dogs. crhea130109

2. Heathcliff routinely commits crime and never gets arrested. So much crime.

3. If you’re a career criminal pet who routinely commits crime and you keep getting “arrested”, you’re usually euthanized.

But the weirdest thing, obviously, is that Heathcliff’s dad wears prison clothes. Somewhere near Westfinster, there is an adorable cat prison that dresses cats up in clothes. Westfinster might be in Japan. And this cat prison might be a private prison run by the lady who runs Cat Prin:  tailor of a cat.

You can tell Heathcliff’s dad is trying to be a good dad because he’s trying to spend time with his son. Then again, he’s not really trying that hard to be a good influence because, well, HE WEARS PRISON CLOTHES ON THE OUTSIDE. Also, they plot crimes together.

heathcliffs DadWhat are they getting away from? Also: Heathcliff has, like, 20 modes of transport already. Where did this rundown car come from? And why don’t their owners seem concerned. About the owners…

Why don’t Grandma and Grandpa take some responsibility for their cat. My cat used to be an outdoor cat until he got arrested for breaking into my neighbors house and, after retrieving him from the Humane Society, he became an indoor cat (because he had gotten sick). This is a true story. Also, my cat was allowed to wear his normal cat clothes consisting of nothing. How much money do these people spend on bailing Pop out of cat prison? And how doesn’t Heathcliff just use his insider connections to prevent his dad from getting arrested? Westfinster is perhaps the most confusingly corrupt town in the Western cartoon world.

On the Heathcliff cartoon (The second one. Yes, there were two.) Pop doesn’t wear prison clothes. He just has heavier stripes. I guess because he was born a criminal. Or he got cat tattoos in prison. I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to believe that some cats are innate criminals.

Here’s the YouTube summary for the episode “Pop on Parole“.

“Heathcliff’s father has been paroled from prison for good behavior. But he needs to visit his parole officer before 5pm. Pops decides to drop in on his son, and Heathcliff immediately thinks he broke outta the joint! He tries to hide him, but he runs away, eventually due to Heathcliff’s harassment (and the fact that he’s a habitual criminal), he robs a bank and is hauled off to jail again.”‘

There’s a cat parole office in Westfinster? Who runs that? Again, no one gives a damn what Heathcliff does. Also, this entire episode is crazy. Heathcliff drove his dad into going back to prison. Is there a cat therapist in Westfinster? There needs to be. Whew boy.  Anyway, you can watch this episode if you want.

I know what you’re thinking; where’s Heathcliff’s mom?

Here’s a summary from a YouTube account where you can buy an episode of the show (including another episode about hockey):

Heathcliff’s thrilled to learn his mom is coming to visit, but terrified she’ll discover he’s been fibbing about living with a wealthy family. Enlisting Sonja’s aid, Heathcliff pretends to live in her mansion. Between dodging Marcy and Iggy in the neighborhood and the maid and butler inside the mansion, Heathcliff has his hands full keeping up a fat-cat front. Finally, Heathcliff confesses to Mom. After meeting the Nutmegs she wonders why Heathcliff bothered fibbing when he lives with such a wonderful family. Giving Mom a goodbye kiss, Heathcliff suggests that maybe he lives with a good family because he came from a good family.

Wait, how did she find Heathcliff in the first place? I have so many questions but this blog isn’t about the television shows, it’s about the comic strip.

You can watch the segment here:

In conclusion, someone should write a dissertation on Heathcliff’s family.

Never Forget To Do Your Job.

On 9/11/11, we saw the only post 9/11/01 Heathcliff comic that was about the 9/11.

 

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That’s a nice sentiment but the first-responders in Heathcliff aren’t that heroic. They never do anything to stop Heathcliff’s crimes.

 

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Here, Heathcliff is stealing food and the two police officers don’t do anything. They’re just like, “Oh, cool, a cat on a bike.” Westfinster tax dollars at work, folks!  Yes, the town is called Westfinster.

Also, a cat stole a dog from a fire station without anyone noticing or protesting, including the dog. Dogs are dumb and Heathcliff is ridiculous. Never forget.