When Life Never Gives You Lemons, Make Something Anyway.

Remember when Heathcliff was selling lime-o-lanterns that were really lemons? Well, he has a new business idea.

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I’m surprised that Heathcliff ever acquired apples legitimately. And then, when he lost a fight with the farmer, he then just left? This is uncharacteristic Heathcliff, who normally just steals or bullies people into giving him things. I like that there’s some farmer who will sell to cats and who will tell Heathcliff no. Things would be better in Westfinster if more people told Heathcliff no.

And what the hell is beef cider? Cider is fermented fruit juice. Is this a soup? Why don’t you just call it soup? Considering how much crime Heathcliff commits and how much food he steals, one can assume this beef was not acquired fairly. But again, for why? Why are you setting up a stand selling a product no one wants?

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Guest Stars.

Heathcliff may live in his own world but apparently his comic exists in the same universe as a lot of other cartoon characters. You may remember this comic from the very first post:
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So many questions:

  1. Why does Heathcliff have a cabinet full of the heads of various cartoon cats?
  2. Where did he acquire these cat heads?
  3. Why is only Garfield’s head colored in?
  4. Why does grandma not think this is weird?
  5. What’s Heathcliff’s game plan for wearing Felix’s head?
  6. What does feeling Felix mean?
  7. Which of these cartoon cats do you think that Heathcliff would most/least get along with?
  8. Do you think Heathcliff would drive Garfield to suicide? I do.
  9. Why did the cartoonist think decide to draw all these other characters?
  10. Is this a dis-comic to all the other artists out there? Is he like, “Yo, I just called you out, Kendrick Lamar style. Come at me.”?

Anyway, Heathcliff also rolls with famous Muppets.crhea131113

I find this cartoon the most hard to believe. Do you think Oscar the Grouch would be remotely pleased with Heathcliff’s brand of bullshit? I think not. Also, the garbage men would not be pleased to see Heathcliff, the cat who makes their jobs harder by just destroying everything and spreading garbage all over AND Oscar, who yells at them every time they come near his garbage can.

I wonder how Heathcliff and Oscar know each other, anyway. I find it difficult to believe no one from Sesame Street banned Heathcliff. And, let’s be honest, Heathcliff probably murdered Mr. Hooper. Or at least harassed him in his final days. Heathcliff definitely would try to eat Big Bird and Grover would be like, “I need to be faaaaaaaaaar from Heathcliff. Not neeeeeeear him.” Heathcliff wouldn’t mess with Cookie Monster though. No one would.

For Halloween 2013, we got a week of amazing comics. Including this one:

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No damn way that Charlie Brown would go near Heathcliff. Good grief. But again, why did the cartoonist randomly draw this?

Stand Your Girth.

Continuing the trend of throwing incomprehensible Heathcliff comics to my friends, we have this gem:crhea131115

On the GoComics website, someone actually wrote, “What’s a girth?” Whew boy, folks.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, “Please Explain This. Also: I know what Jeremy is going to say already. No, this isn’t about his junk.”

This is what happened:

Mark: Is it just me or has he styled the lower half of his fur to look like denim?

Alvin: He cuffs his fur.

Alvin: The dumbass dog threw a pebble at his Heathclirfs stomach. Stupid move. My cat didn’t even move and kept the chickn firmly in mouth. You ever notice he does a lot of shit with his eyes closed & the most cavalier attitude ever captured in comics.

Alvin: The kids are like, daaaaaaamn!

Elizabeth: Why is he eating the drumstick with no hands?

Brandi: 1. I didn’t even notice the drumstick. This got even more weird than I originally thought. 2. Why *does* his fur have pockets?

Jeremy: Man, HC passed that kidney stone like a boss!

Brandi: This one literally makes no sense to me. Someone get Bill & James.

Brandi: Okay, did the dog throw a rock at Heathcliff and the Heathcliff used his fat belly to repel the rock while he was inexplicably eating a drumstick with no hands?

Linda: and six year olds use the word girth?

Jeremy:  I just assumed the drumstick was floating there independently as a red herring, which is perfectly logical in the Heathcliff universe.

Sarah: He’s wearing pants. Because he’s fat, and getting fatter (hence the drumstick), the pants’ button popped off, hitting the dog.

Brandi: But…This makes perfect sense and absolutely no sense at the same time. Sarah’s explanation is Schroedinger’s Heathcliff Explanation.

Sarah: I once saw this very same thing happen to Kristy Hanson in junior high during choir. We were goofing around, and somehow, her pants button popped off and launched itself for a solid 10 feet, hitting the dry erase board and putting a chip in it. That kind of velocity is nothing to mess around with.

Brandi: I assume Kristy Hanson had standard issue jeans on. Not orange jeans that were designed to blend in with the fur of a tabby cat who never wears pants.

Jeremy: I’ll be damned. He IS wearing pants! Who wears flesh/fur colored pa–never mind. Heathcliff does.

Sarah: Correct. Kristy’s jeans were of the sort that were the norm for a 14 year old girl in 1993. That is, high rise, not baggy, but not form fitting, with tapered legs.

Alvin: If he used his powers for good, he could end bullying by himself

James: Sarah is correct. Heathcliff grows buttons on his abdomen, which pop off violently when he binges on drumsticks. If he can time it so he can assault a neighborhood pooch, it is totally defensible under Stand Your Ground. Heathcliff is totally George Zimmerman in cat form.

That took way too much effort to get to the bottom of. Also, Heathcliff NEVER gets them with his girth. He never wears pants. Why is he randomly wearing pants in this comic? WHY?!

The Deepest Conversation About Sandwiches I’ve Ever Read.

Sometimes, I have absolutely no idea what a Heathcliff comic is about and I’ll just throw it to my facebook friends. Often, whenever I do this, the results are remarkable. Yesterday’s Heathcliff was no exception.

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I posted the comic and wrote, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN?” and this was the resulting thread:

Bill: Heathcliff represents the inner city working class and the sandwich represents how the “white flight” to the suburbs was destroying the urban economy and ultimately taking food out of his mouth.

Bill: Heathcliff’s actually pretty heady when you look at it from just the right angle.

Brandi: So is the man who prefers “Whole Wheat” saying, “I prefer staying in the inner city and gentrifying it.”? Also, why does Heathcliff work in construction?

Bill: Because he’s an avatar of the working poor. That’s why the other worker has a hardhat and Heathcliff doesn’t. It’s to show how he has no protection from the economic forces that harm him.

Brandi: Damn, son. That’s deep. Heathcliff is a black man. 

James: I think I know what the actual joke is here, but it’s gonna be a let down after the gold I just read.

James: Alright, screw it. You see, ladies and germs… what we have here is a classic bait-and-switch. Our blue-collar friend there is picking at his bourgeois ham on wheat, while Heathcliff – get this – HEATHCLIFF is eating a freaking BIRD SANDWICH. Now the reaction we’d expect from the construction worker would be, “Holy shitballs, that’s a bird sandwich. No thank you, my good man. I prefer processed, shaved ham to a raw (living) bird.” But no, that would be low-hanging fruit. Instead, he’s all like, “What if instead, I mention the BREAD? Mofo will never see it coming. Because again, this cat probably expects me to talk about the bird. This’ll be rich! Here I go!” That’s right, Heathcliff just took us comics to CHURCH.

James: I also prefer to look at this panel and imagine that Heathcliff is not looking nose-up at the errant lunch, but rather dead-on at the reader, with one giant cataract eye – dead center at the top of his head.

Brandi: Damn. I’d pay for Bill & James’ Heathcliff Comedy Bootcamp.

I was already crying after reading Bill and James’ Heathcliff analysis but then Pat realizes that Camus is really the only person who can truly explain Heathcliff. Note: there probably needs to be a “Camus, For Why?” Blog.

Pat: I’m just gonna start pasting literary analyses from Albert Camus’s “The Stranger” but I will replace the main character, Mersault, with Heathcliff.

Pat: “The ideals of existentialism seem to be embedded heavily in this scene as Heathcliff harshly denies his belonging to the group of humanity and insists on being his own person. Any time he is forced by society to identify, interact, or express basic human emotions and behavior, he views it as a form of punishment that stifles his individual desires.”

Pat: “Heathcliff is a detached figure who views and describes much of what occurs around him from a removed position. He is emotionally indifferent to others, even to his mother and his lover.”

Alvin: I feel the theme song is a cry for help.

Brandi: There was the episode where Heathcliff tried to make his mom believe he was adopted by a rich family. He also drove his dad to rob a bank to go back to prison to get away from him. Also: Richie Incognito is scared of Heathcliff.

Pat: Heathcliff’s ultimate vindication is in having remained true to himself and to his feelings in a society that cultivates deception and hypocrisy.”

Brandi: Also: HE REALLY LIKES CAKE!

Pat: “Heathcliff is a troubled soul trying to find happiness in an indifferent world. His attitude should inspire no admiration, and certainly is not to be imitated. He is a quasi-antihero. Where typical heroes devote their entire lives to a cause, Heathcliff has no faith in any cause, and indeed recognizes no meaning. Despite his tenacity for living in the present moment, Heathcliff is blind to the fact that every choice he makes is made with his knowing that no matter what choice is made, he will ultimately die.”

Will: Wow. I see “whole wheat is heavier and healthier than white bread.”

Brandi: That makes sense too. This comic requires even more teamwork than the ham helmet one. By the way, Heathcliff also has a gravy helmet.

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