Get Your Own Damn Dinner.

Heathcliff loves to eat. In fact, he loves ham so much that he somehow acquired Team Ham gear. Heathcliff is savvy enough to steal food and to hoist a flag proclaiming his (bullshit) love of cake yet, somehow, he can’t open the fridge to get food in his own house.

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Heathcliff is a jerk. Also, why do Grandma and Grandpa even bother feeding Heathcliff regular cat food. He hates it and he keeps making it known.

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I assume they’ve already stolen and eaten dinner during one of their father/son crime sprees.

Also, you have Heathcliff and Pops living on your house, you really shouldn’t leave other animals unattended.

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Oh, look, Heathcliff being creeperish. I’m surprised he hasn’t actually eaten them yet.

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Oh.

 

I appreciate how matter-of-fact these fish are as they’re staring certain death in the face. Very courageous. These fish are the true heroes of Westfinster.

Anyway, an unattended fishbowl is nothing, considering that Heathcliff has built high-tech contraptions to take out his enemies or prey.

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I don’t understand a lot about this picture. Especially, the perspective. Why are the bird AND the mouse so large? That’s a huge mousetrap Heathcliff built but it’s nothing compared to this:

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I have no idea what Heathcliff’s end-game is with Robocat. I does, however, raise the issue of Heathcliff starting a drone program. I’m concerned.

Wait…they’re not really in any danger at all. Heathcliff just takes the fish out to play with them? That’s mad creepy, Heathcliff.

crhea130101Heathcliff drinks beer but he can’t figure out how to operate a faucet and get water that doesn’t have fish living in it? Does this cat know how anything inside his own home works?

You need to stop drinking so much, Heathcliff. 


 

 

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Cats Be Real Creeperish.

My younger cousin hates cats. I thought it was because he’s severely allergic to them. Turns out, it’s for a deeper reason. My cousin explained, “Yo, cats be real creeperish. They be rubbin’ up on you like uninvited houseguests, then they just leave like nothing happened.”

A few things:
1. Dogs hump legs.
2. What kind of uninvited houseguests does my cousin have? If an uninvited houseguest rubs up on you, that’s probably a break-in. Only a Minnesotan would call a break-in/molestation “an uninvited houseguest.”
3. Should the cat stick around for a while? What cat hurt him?

Still, my cousin has a point. And nothing underscores this point better than the creeperish stuff Heathcliff be doing.

Here, Heathcliff partakes in some good, ol’ fashioned street harassment. crhea071008

 

The weird part is that the construction workers aren’t giving “The New Kid” grief for needing to be “mentored” by a cat.  In other news, what’s up with the legs of those two construction workers? It looks like they have paddles for legs.

Wait, does Heathcliff work for the construction company? That would explain where he gets all his money. Also, it brings into question the structural integrity of the entire town of Westfinster.

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Aren’t all cats metrosexual by default? Have you ever been around a cat? Diva/os, ALL of them.

But back to Heathcliff’s creeperish behavior…

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Heathcliff has taught himself to play the fife and he has composed a “nut song”. Look, I’m not animal expert but I’m pretty sure that squirrels aren’t drawn toward the sound of fifes. Also: “nut song” looks/sounds like some type of hazing invented by frat boys. If I had to guess which frat Heathcliff belonged to, I’d say DKE.

Oh my stars, “nut song” IS a frat thing. From Urban Dictionary:

A song played by someone to celebrate getting a nut. It is traditionally played early in the morning in a fraternity house as the girl is leaving in order to A.) wake up your neighbors to let them know you got a nut, and B.) alert your boys so they have a chance to check her out as she leaves. It is also typically a really funny/goofy song, eg. the YMCA song, or Jump (For My Love).

Yup, Heathcliff is totally a DKE bro.

The more I learn about Heathcliff, the more I think he’s one of those “pick-up artist” bros. Heathcliff probably ghostwrote The Game.

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Heathcliff probably wants to copyright his pick-up lines because he still hasn’t been compensated for being the real author or The Game. Yup, you heard it here first, Neil Strauss didn’t write The Game, Heathcliff the Cat did.

I don’t understand why Clio, Heathcliff’s girlfriend, puts up with him. Also, I don’t understand why all these lady cats are standing peacefully outside, waiting for Heathcliff. If his pick-up lines were that good, those cats would be fighting with each other. Unless, all those cats are scorned women, planning on killing Heathcliff as soon as he exists the law firm.

Also: there’s an intellectual property law firm in Westfinster that has cat clientele.

Finally, there’s this gem from a 9-11 a few years ago.

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Heathcliff is an independent contractor for the Westfinster Dog Catcher. Why don’t they catch cats? Good question. Anyway, given what we know about independent contractors and the town of Westfinster, it’s safe to say there’s little-to-no oversight. Heathcliff just drives around in his “spank van” delivering vigilante puppy justice, all with the blessing of The Man. Enabling-ass humans.

Orange You Glad I Did Wear A Banana.

Normally, Heathcliff wears costumes that serve a purpose.

193e2c605e7e012ee3bf00163e41dd5bCatching dogs….

 

 

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Catching mice…

But, here, he’s wearing a banana costume to his therapist. Yes, he has a therapist yet somehow he still does all sorts of asshole things. crhea071101

Who’s paying this dude? This man went to college and grad school (or took some online classes) and now he’s stuck being a therapist for wayward cats. Livin’ the dream, man. Still, this dude isn’t the only man in the cat counseling game.

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I believe I see several problems. First off, this counselor is an idiot. He’s dealing with cats. Cats are always falling asleep on couches. If you see a cat just chillin’ on a couch not sleeping, it probably just woke up or is planning to go to sleep shortly. Do you know how much Heathcliff does in a day? A lot. Of course he’s sleeping. Good grief, Clio, lay off.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering why Heathcliff would wear a giant banana costume. I don’t know but I suspect it has something to do with the Garbage Ape.

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The Garbage Ape is an ape who shows up at night and just trashes the streets of Westfinster. He just delivers cans of trash to the feral/outdoor cats around town. Basically, he’s Heathcliff’s dealer. I think he’s pretend but, honestly, who knows what’s real any more. I sure don’t.

Also, note the birds explaining why Heathcliff loves the really weird thing he’s doing. More enabling.