Heathcliff is very confused. Why is she lecturing him on being nice to bees? Isn’t grandma just supposed to excuse his deplorable behavior by explaining that “HE REALLY LIKES BEES!” or some such nonsense?
Also: Grandma got some junk in that trunk.
Sorry to everyone who has been waiting for a new Heathcliff, For Why? post. You see, I’ve been very busy being lazy. I’d tweet about the new comics or post on Facebook but I’ve been neglecting the 8 people who read this. No more!
When we last left off in Heathcliff helmet land, we’d learned about the “HEY” helmet. Since then, we’ve learned about two more helmets.
The omega-3 helmet. Is weird because Heathcliff doesn’t eat the fish. We’ve established that he just trolls the shit out of them on the regular.
Next up, we have the PEAS helmet.
Why does this helmet exist? Heathcliff doesn’t even like veggies. Is he just planning to attack the people who are visiting because he hates peas? Is he going to steal their peas? What’s your game plan here, Heathcliff?
Whatever. Welcome to the Helmet Canon.
Heathcliff doesn’t wear clothes very often and if he did, he wouldn’t be able to fit into any of these clothes. But let’s say Heathcliff did wear these clothes. They’re basically the same size as Iggy Nutmeg’s clothes. How sad would your life be if you had to live with your grandparents and share clothes with their lawless cat? Very. Pray for Iggy Nutmeg, y’all.
We have another update to the Heathcliff Helmet Canon: the HEY helmet.
I have many things to say about this.
Why is he wearing the helmet in this scenario? Heathcliff normally wears a helmet when he’s about to attack something. This helmet seems inconsistent with his agenda of socializing with people at the party. Also, who are these people at the party? The Nutmegs don’t seem to have that many young friends. And why is grandpa a waiter at his own party?
Pat, a friend of mine, pointed out that Heathcliff probably just told a racist joke. He’s probably not wrong. Also: are there any non-white people in Westfinster?
My friend Jeremy aka @afterglide on Twitter made Heathcliff Without Heathcliff. I suggested that Iggy Nutmeg was really Jon Arbuckle as a child and Jeremy suggested that Heathcliff needs its own thing like Garfield Minus Garfield. He’s right. I have invited Jeremy to post his work on this blog, so who knows if he will.
What’s great about Heathcliff Without Heathcliff is that it’s just people yelling explanations for no goddamn reason.
Meanwhile, my friend Sarah (who makes jewelry here) has explained why this improves Heathcliff on Facebook:
No, it makes exponentially more sense AND is funny! Wow. Garfield Minus Garfield just paints John as a nut, this creates believable scenarios with just a touch of wry humor.
Two old men saying “You say ‘bro” too much” to one another!? Hilarious! Iggy fretting about hearing the parole officer’s faux LOLs? Totally “awww” worthy! And telling the lady they’re all out of soup without Heathcliff and his big, dumb spoon turning it all to a giant health code violation? Well, I tittered.
I think what I’ve learned here is that NAPG [non-actor Peter Gallagher] draws these first without Heathcliff and then strives to insert him in the least humorous manner possible
First we learned about the HAM helmet.
Then we learned about the GRAVY helmet.
You won’t believe what helmet there is now, folks!
“Is it turkey or chicken wings?” – My mom
No, mom, don’t be stupid.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, chicken wings wouldn’t fit on the helmet…It’s just words? There isn’t a logo. That’s so stupid!” – My mom again
The newest Heathcliff helmet is….
THE KALE HELMET!
Look, I don’t know which angel investor is funding Heathcliff’s bullshit businesses but he or she needs to stop. This is a stupid business model for so many reasons. How many adults can fit their heads into a helmet made for a giant cat? How many cats have money? How many of the kids in town (who happen to be the same size as Heathcliff) want a kale helmet? And why does Heathcliff like kale? He doesn’t. He robs butchers and fish mongers. He sells beef cider. Kale? Oh kaaaale no!
And Non-Actor Peter Gallagher, a New Jersey resident, actually tried passing off kale helmets during Super Bowl week? Seriously, dude? Not cool.
But can I be honest with you guys for a second? If I saw a cat selling helmets on the corner, I’d probably buy one. That’s hilarious.
Anyway, I can’t wait to see what helmet will be added to the canon next!
Next up, at some point, will be the cat-machine canon.
But first, some important Heathcliff news:
I have located information on Non-Actor Peter Gallagher from his Alpha Comedy profile! We’ll talk about it more later.
Onward to the non-Heathcliff news. Since no one has asked, yes, I do have other writings on the internet. I have a sporadically updated blog called House of Procrastination and I am on Twitter as ItsTheBrandi.
Head on over!
First off, I’d like to issue a correction.
I’ve been referring to Heathcliff’s girlfriend as “Cleo.” Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name is Sonja. Clio is Riff-Raff’s girlfiend. Riff-Raff is one of the Catillac Cats. I’m sorry if I upset you with my mistakes but at least I’m not Slate. Amirite?
Next, it has come to my attention that Josh over at The Comics Curmudgeon has linked to this blog. Yay! He has some breaking Heathcliff news that I tweeted about but was too busy watching terrible television to blog about. Check it out!
Earlier today I went to Popeye’s and my grandma gifted me a set of warm pajamas. Then I sat at home and watched television, including the wonderful Kroll Show. I only tell you this because it sets up what an amazing day I was having BEFORE what I write next happened.
On tonight’s Kroll Show, Friend-of-the-Blog and actor Peter Gallagher played a gigolo mentor.
Before the show aired, I’d heard he was going to be a guest on the show but had no idea what he’d be doing. I sent him a tweet about my hopes for his appearance and referencing an earlier exchange about Heathcliff. AND HE REPLIED!
Anyway, I know you read this blog because of the hard-hitting investigative reporting about Heathcliff that you can’t get at places that shell out for custom domains. I’ve been trying to track down more information about “Non-Actor Peter Gallagher” (that’s what my friends and I call the cartoonist). So far, I’ve located original Heathcliff cartoonist George Gately’s obit. I also spent 2 minutes Googling. Interesting tidbits from the LA Times obit:
Heathcliff, named after the major character in the classic Emily Bronte novel “Wuthering Heights,” was indeed a success. The strip, offering the adventures of the smug fat cat, predated by several years “Garfield,” another strip with a feline star.
Everyone can shut the hell up and eat some lasagna because Heathcliff was first.
“[Heathcliff] had this great idea of himself, his importance,” John Gallagher said. “He would go to get his family tree traced but was also a hellion who had his own bookie.”
Heathcliff is Rob Ford, maybe?
“He would go to cat shows around the country and people would come seeking autographs, not for themselves but for their cats,” John Gallagher said. “So he would sign his name [and] ‘Good Luck, Tabby,’ or ‘Best Wishes, Spike.’ “
Gallagher recalled that one woman asked for a particularly odd inscription.
“Her cat was named Hitler, so somewhere there is an autograph from George Gately reading: ‘Good Luck, Hitler,’ ” Gallagher said.
WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK?! If someone asks you to sign something for their cat named Hitler, you say “no.” You always say no.
“When you look at the features that have been successful, you notice that they’re usually very simple, and deal with things that people of every circumstance can relate to. . . . I’m very careful to never make the home in my cartoon look too fancy. I’m as interested in having the poorest person relate to Heathcliff as I am the richest person.”
Poor people don’t get new furniture ever day. There is absolutely no consistency in that house. There’s a fridge that moves around the kitchen. Yes, this will be a post. My friend, Pat, gets very upset about the fridge moving around.
Anyway, RIP George Gately.
It’s true! I do investigative Heathcliff reporting. For example, I’ve been
hoping insisting that Heathcliff was drawn by Peter Gallagher the actor (Covert Affairs, The OC, Step Up 4 Revolution) as some sort of a side hobby. But then those dreams came crashing to the ground at the very end of 2013.
This exchange might have been on of the greatest things to happen to me in 2013. Anyway, little did I know that more tragic Heathcliff news was to follow. My friend Jeremy, who I often tweet about Heathcliff with, sent me a link about Kitty Korner. Kitty Korner is the Sunday-only feature where we learn about a random American’s cat. I’ve recently submitted my cat, Jonathan, and I hope that he can get in. Turns out, Kitty Korner, in the words of Jeremy, “is farmed out.” That’s right, non-actor Peter Gallagher doesn’t even draw Kitty Korner! I can’t with this…
Yes, I’m well aware that so much of what I’ve written here sounds crazy. Because it is. Heathcliff‘s universe is absolutely batshit insane.
Thanks for the shoutout, Josh!
Ack! It looks like Peter Gallagher has been reading too much Cathy.
And then he got wasted on turkey after that.
Anyway, Grandma Cathy doesn’t understand that adding balloons to your person doesn’t make you lose weight.
Also, instead of balloons she could have just partially stood on a scale. Anyway, this is the most helpful I’ve seen Heathcliff in eons.
Also: the bathroom in the Nutmeg’s house has no door. And, it’s really large. Weird. My friend Jeremy has pointed out that the walls in the Nutmeg house appear to be a 1/2 an inch thick as well.