Cats Be Real Creeperish.

My younger cousin hates cats. I thought it was because he’s severely allergic to them. Turns out, it’s for a deeper reason. My cousin explained, “Yo, cats be real creeperish. They be rubbin’ up on you like uninvited houseguests, then they just leave like nothing happened.”

A few things:
1. Dogs hump legs.
2. What kind of uninvited houseguests does my cousin have? If an uninvited houseguest rubs up on you, that’s probably a break-in. Only a Minnesotan would call a break-in/molestation “an uninvited houseguest.”
3. Should the cat stick around for a while? What cat hurt him?

Still, my cousin has a point. And nothing underscores this point better than the creeperish stuff Heathcliff be doing.

Here, Heathcliff partakes in some good, ol’ fashioned street harassment. crhea071008


The weird part is that the construction workers aren’t giving “The New Kid” grief for needing to be “mentored” by a cat.  In other news, what’s up with the legs of those two construction workers? It looks like they have paddles for legs.

Wait, does Heathcliff work for the construction company? That would explain where he gets all his money. Also, it brings into question the structural integrity of the entire town of Westfinster.



Aren’t all cats metrosexual by default? Have you ever been around a cat? Diva/os, ALL of them.

But back to Heathcliff’s creeperish behavior…



Heathcliff has taught himself to play the fife and he has composed a “nut song”. Look, I’m not animal expert but I’m pretty sure that squirrels aren’t drawn toward the sound of fifes. Also: “nut song” looks/sounds like some type of hazing invented by frat boys. If I had to guess which frat Heathcliff belonged to, I’d say DKE.

Oh my stars, “nut song” IS a frat thing. From Urban Dictionary:

A song played by someone to celebrate getting a nut. It is traditionally played early in the morning in a fraternity house as the girl is leaving in order to A.) wake up your neighbors to let them know you got a nut, and B.) alert your boys so they have a chance to check her out as she leaves. It is also typically a really funny/goofy song, eg. the YMCA song, or Jump (For My Love).

Yup, Heathcliff is totally a DKE bro.

The more I learn about Heathcliff, the more I think he’s one of those “pick-up artist” bros. Heathcliff probably ghostwrote The Game.



Heathcliff probably wants to copyright his pick-up lines because he still hasn’t been compensated for being the real author or The Game. Yup, you heard it here first, Neil Strauss didn’t write The Game, Heathcliff the Cat did.

I don’t understand why Clio, Heathcliff’s girlfriend, puts up with him. Also, I don’t understand why all these lady cats are standing peacefully outside, waiting for Heathcliff. If his pick-up lines were that good, those cats would be fighting with each other. Unless, all those cats are scorned women, planning on killing Heathcliff as soon as he exists the law firm.

Also: there’s an intellectual property law firm in Westfinster that has cat clientele.

Finally, there’s this gem from a 9-11 a few years ago.



Heathcliff is an independent contractor for the Westfinster Dog Catcher. Why don’t they catch cats? Good question. Anyway, given what we know about independent contractors and the town of Westfinster, it’s safe to say there’s little-to-no oversight. Heathcliff just drives around in his “spank van” delivering vigilante puppy justice, all with the blessing of The Man. Enabling-ass humans.


In The Heat Of The Night.

Heathcliff is DTF7fc0b4705eaa012ee3bf00163e41dd5b

About that shirt…

Boy cats don’t go into heat, so that’s probably not his shirt. Did Heathcliff steal his girlfriend’s shirt and that wear it to her house. Kinky. Also, weird. Why does she own a shirt that says she’s in heat? You can tell when it cat is in heat. I assume it was a gift from a friend who bought it at Spencer’s Cat Gifts.

Also, why didn’t that kid stop Heathcliff from wearing the shirt? Worst wingboy ever.

Orange You Glad I Did Wear A Banana.

Normally, Heathcliff wears costumes that serve a purpose.

193e2c605e7e012ee3bf00163e41dd5bCatching dogs….





Catching mice…

But, here, he’s wearing a banana costume to his therapist. Yes, he has a therapist yet somehow he still does all sorts of asshole things. crhea071101

Who’s paying this dude? This man went to college and grad school (or took some online classes) and now he’s stuck being a therapist for wayward cats. Livin’ the dream, man. Still, this dude isn’t the only man in the cat counseling game.



I believe I see several problems. First off, this counselor is an idiot. He’s dealing with cats. Cats are always falling asleep on couches. If you see a cat just chillin’ on a couch not sleeping, it probably just woke up or is planning to go to sleep shortly. Do you know how much Heathcliff does in a day? A lot. Of course he’s sleeping. Good grief, Clio, lay off.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering why Heathcliff would wear a giant banana costume. I don’t know but I suspect it has something to do with the Garbage Ape.

garbage ape

The Garbage Ape is an ape who shows up at night and just trashes the streets of Westfinster. He just delivers cans of trash to the feral/outdoor cats around town. Basically, he’s Heathcliff’s dealer. I think he’s pretend but, honestly, who knows what’s real any more. I sure don’t.

Also, note the birds explaining why Heathcliff loves the really weird thing he’s doing. More enabling.

Travel & Leisure.

Heathcliff has a lot of ways to get around town. And everyone in town seems perfectly fine with whichever mode of transport he chooses.

72f5a3c0e64c01300614001dd8b71c47Old people sure don’t like change. Or pygmy hippos roaming their already unsafe streets. Unsafe because Heathcliff roams them.

9bfa9240ebcc01300a94001dd8b71c47That’s nice. Does Heathcliff always take her out in a monster truck though?

291937c09ff80130cf54001dd8b71c47Oh, I guess he doesn’t. Clio (Heathcliff’s boo) has very selectively-concerned owners. They’re concerned that he brings back their cat, that he leaves before they’re sick of him and that he’s a gentleman. Yet, somehow, they’re entirely unconcerned about where he got that monster truck or hot air balloon.

bc0a2b105eb1012ee3bf00163e41dd5bDoes he ever let you know where the hell he gets these animals? Also, you should probably feed that elephant before shit gets real. Heathcliff’s tantrums are nothing compared to an elephant’s.

crhea130107Sure. Physics, ladies and gentlemen.

crhea130102Why does your cat have money to bet with in the first place? Also, you’re fine with letting your cat enslave Grandpa but not with money being bet? And what the hell were they betting on? Plus, he’s not even going anywhere, they’re just walking around the yard.

i121119heathcliffHe got there in a car. After getting himself to a pizzaria and convincing them to drive him to his girlfriend’s. Enabling-ass, humans.

050b89c09a7801303975001dd8b71c47This makes no sense. That’ll show those dogs! Step on the signs that warn people that they’re there, so they can bite more people. Also, that’s weird that those people are concerned about the destroyed sign but not the sign destroyer, a damn elephant. Where the hell does he keep this elephant?

6f2b4ad0d9ba0130fc3c001dd8b71c47Who is that lady? I don’t think that’s Grandma. Does this woman just go around giving rides to cats in need?

1eb2db60e1fa013002e2001dd8b71c47How many animal-cars does Heathcliff have? Or is there some type of animal-share in the town of Westfinster, where people can check out various animals to ride. It’s certainly more environmentally friendly than, say, a monster truck.