Stand Your Girth.

Continuing the trend of throwing incomprehensible Heathcliff comics to my friends, we have this gem:crhea131115

On the GoComics website, someone actually wrote, “What’s a girth?” Whew boy, folks.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, “Please Explain This. Also: I know what Jeremy is going to say already. No, this isn’t about his junk.”

This is what happened:

Mark: Is it just me or has he styled the lower half of his fur to look like denim?

Alvin: He cuffs his fur.

Alvin: The dumbass dog threw a pebble at his Heathclirfs stomach. Stupid move. My cat didn’t even move and kept the chickn firmly in mouth. You ever notice he does a lot of shit with his eyes closed & the most cavalier attitude ever captured in comics.

Alvin: The kids are like, daaaaaaamn!

Elizabeth: Why is he eating the drumstick with no hands?

Brandi: 1. I didn’t even notice the drumstick. This got even more weird than I originally thought. 2. Why *does* his fur have pockets?

Jeremy: Man, HC passed that kidney stone like a boss!

Brandi: This one literally makes no sense to me. Someone get Bill & James.

Brandi: Okay, did the dog throw a rock at Heathcliff and the Heathcliff used his fat belly to repel the rock while he was inexplicably eating a drumstick with no hands?

Linda: and six year olds use the word girth?

Jeremy:  I just assumed the drumstick was floating there independently as a red herring, which is perfectly logical in the Heathcliff universe.

Sarah: He’s wearing pants. Because he’s fat, and getting fatter (hence the drumstick), the pants’ button popped off, hitting the dog.

Brandi: But…This makes perfect sense and absolutely no sense at the same time. Sarah’s explanation is Schroedinger’s Heathcliff Explanation.

Sarah: I once saw this very same thing happen to Kristy Hanson in junior high during choir. We were goofing around, and somehow, her pants button popped off and launched itself for a solid 10 feet, hitting the dry erase board and putting a chip in it. That kind of velocity is nothing to mess around with.

Brandi: I assume Kristy Hanson had standard issue jeans on. Not orange jeans that were designed to blend in with the fur of a tabby cat who never wears pants.

Jeremy: I’ll be damned. He IS wearing pants! Who wears flesh/fur colored pa–never mind. Heathcliff does.

Sarah: Correct. Kristy’s jeans were of the sort that were the norm for a 14 year old girl in 1993. That is, high rise, not baggy, but not form fitting, with tapered legs.

Alvin: If he used his powers for good, he could end bullying by himself

James: Sarah is correct. Heathcliff grows buttons on his abdomen, which pop off violently when he binges on drumsticks. If he can time it so he can assault a neighborhood pooch, it is totally defensible under Stand Your Ground. Heathcliff is totally George Zimmerman in cat form.

That took way too much effort to get to the bottom of. Also, Heathcliff NEVER gets them with his girth. He never wears pants. Why is he randomly wearing pants in this comic? WHY?!

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I Think I See The Problem(s).

Heathcliff, A Real American Cat, is always trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Granted, he subsists off the corporate welfare of enabling humans but whatever.

It’s almost Halloween and Heathcliff has a brilliant business plan!

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1. Those are lemons. Before you call Heathcliff a dumbass, know that cats can’t see the color green. Those kids are assholes for not telling him that he’s been carving lemons. Then again, he’s an idiot for not knowing that lemons and limes smell and taste different.

2. Lemons/limes don’t really hold up when carved. And they REALLY won’t hold up once you put a tiny candle in them.

3. Heathcliff, for why?

Team Pie.

Remember when I expressed my suspicions that Heathcliff wasn’t really that big a fan of cake and that he is really Team Pie?

The other day, Heathcliff tried to challenge some kids to a pie eating contest. 

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Oh, so you’re telling me that a cat who flies a CAKE flag and “really likes cake” goes around challenging people to PIE eating contests. This is the definition of a false-flag operation, folks. Literally a false-flag. Heathcliff is “Agent Orange”. Benghazi? Heathcliff. Jesse Ventura, I have the documents you are looking for. 

I don’t know what I just wrote but I have a cold, so whatever. It probably makes more sense than Heathcliff generally does.

In The Heat Of The Night.

Heathcliff is DTF7fc0b4705eaa012ee3bf00163e41dd5b

About that shirt…

Boy cats don’t go into heat, so that’s probably not his shirt. Did Heathcliff steal his girlfriend’s shirt and that wear it to her house. Kinky. Also, weird. Why does she own a shirt that says she’s in heat? You can tell when it cat is in heat. I assume it was a gift from a friend who bought it at Spencer’s Cat Gifts.

Also, why didn’t that kid stop Heathcliff from wearing the shirt? Worst wingboy ever.