I Think I See The Problem(s).

Heathcliff, A Real American Cat, is always trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Granted, he subsists off the corporate welfare of enabling humans but whatever.

It’s almost Halloween and Heathcliff has a brilliant business plan!

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1. Those are lemons. Before you call Heathcliff a dumbass, know that cats can’t see the color green. Those kids are assholes for not telling him that he’s been carving lemons. Then again, he’s an idiot for not knowing that lemons and limes smell and taste different.

2. Lemons/limes don’t really hold up when carved. And they REALLY won’t hold up once you put a tiny candle in them.

3. Heathcliff, for why?

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Team Pie.

Remember when I expressed my suspicions that Heathcliff wasn’t really that big a fan of cake and that he is really Team Pie?

The other day, Heathcliff tried to challenge some kids to a pie eating contest. 

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Oh, so you’re telling me that a cat who flies a CAKE flag and “really likes cake” goes around challenging people to PIE eating contests. This is the definition of a false-flag operation, folks. Literally a false-flag. Heathcliff is “Agent Orange”. Benghazi? Heathcliff. Jesse Ventura, I have the documents you are looking for. 

I don’t know what I just wrote but I have a cold, so whatever. It probably makes more sense than Heathcliff generally does.

Speaking Truth To Power.

Finally, one of Heathcliff’s therapists has the guts to tell Heathcliff what no one else can be bothered to say to his enabled ass.

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Although, given that Heathcliff is a cat on a couch, he’s probably sleeping and not at all paying attention to the therapist. Also, why does that therapist’s shoe look like a dildo?

I wonder what the original question was.

Drunks Of All Stripes.

Earlier, I said that Heathcliff never gets in trouble for any of the crime that he commits. That might not true. He seems to have a criminal attorney.crhea131005

To be fair, that could be his dad‘s attorney. Regardless of who he represents, this attorney thinks that it’s a good idea to get drunk with a cat right in front of the courthouse. Look, maybe the reason you’re forced to be an attorney for cats is because you think having a cookout in front of the courthouse with your client is a good idea.

It’s weird how cats are allowed to have therapists, attorneys and all sorts of other things in Westfinster and they can be convicted of crimes but there are no cat-owned businesses. Inevitably, this will lead to a cat uprising in Westfinster. I don’t want to be like, “I told you so.” when it happens…but I will be.

 

Also, this isn’t a nice tailgate. It’s, like, two sausages and some beer that he probably stole from the alcoholic grandpa he lives with. i130318heathcliff

I know, just because you get drunk on St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t mean that you’re an alcoholic. But if you get drunk with your cat and your cat is also drunk, that’s a sign you might have a drinking problem. Also, this:crhea130928

Every time I’ve heard of “beer training”, it involves training for a drinking game. “Beer training” in this context isn’t a thing but co-dependency is real, yo. Heathcliff has therapists who clearly have a lot of work to do.

Anyway, the blonde attorney in the first comic the only voice of reason. His face says it all.

Still no word on who arrests Heathcliff.

Cats Be Real Creeperish.

My younger cousin hates cats. I thought it was because he’s severely allergic to them. Turns out, it’s for a deeper reason. My cousin explained, “Yo, cats be real creeperish. They be rubbin’ up on you like uninvited houseguests, then they just leave like nothing happened.”

A few things:
1. Dogs hump legs.
2. What kind of uninvited houseguests does my cousin have? If an uninvited houseguest rubs up on you, that’s probably a break-in. Only a Minnesotan would call a break-in/molestation “an uninvited houseguest.”
3. Should the cat stick around for a while? What cat hurt him?

Still, my cousin has a point. And nothing underscores this point better than the creeperish stuff Heathcliff be doing.

Here, Heathcliff partakes in some good, ol’ fashioned street harassment. crhea071008

 

The weird part is that the construction workers aren’t giving “The New Kid” grief for needing to be “mentored” by a cat.  In other news, what’s up with the legs of those two construction workers? It looks like they have paddles for legs.

Wait, does Heathcliff work for the construction company? That would explain where he gets all his money. Also, it brings into question the structural integrity of the entire town of Westfinster.

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Aren’t all cats metrosexual by default? Have you ever been around a cat? Diva/os, ALL of them.

But back to Heathcliff’s creeperish behavior…

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Heathcliff has taught himself to play the fife and he has composed a “nut song”. Look, I’m not animal expert but I’m pretty sure that squirrels aren’t drawn toward the sound of fifes. Also: “nut song” looks/sounds like some type of hazing invented by frat boys. If I had to guess which frat Heathcliff belonged to, I’d say DKE.

Oh my stars, “nut song” IS a frat thing. From Urban Dictionary:

A song played by someone to celebrate getting a nut. It is traditionally played early in the morning in a fraternity house as the girl is leaving in order to A.) wake up your neighbors to let them know you got a nut, and B.) alert your boys so they have a chance to check her out as she leaves. It is also typically a really funny/goofy song, eg. the YMCA song, or Jump (For My Love).

Yup, Heathcliff is totally a DKE bro.

The more I learn about Heathcliff, the more I think he’s one of those “pick-up artist” bros. Heathcliff probably ghostwrote The Game.

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Heathcliff probably wants to copyright his pick-up lines because he still hasn’t been compensated for being the real author or The Game. Yup, you heard it here first, Neil Strauss didn’t write The Game, Heathcliff the Cat did.

I don’t understand why Clio, Heathcliff’s girlfriend, puts up with him. Also, I don’t understand why all these lady cats are standing peacefully outside, waiting for Heathcliff. If his pick-up lines were that good, those cats would be fighting with each other. Unless, all those cats are scorned women, planning on killing Heathcliff as soon as he exists the law firm.

Also: there’s an intellectual property law firm in Westfinster that has cat clientele.

Finally, there’s this gem from a 9-11 a few years ago.

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Heathcliff is an independent contractor for the Westfinster Dog Catcher. Why don’t they catch cats? Good question. Anyway, given what we know about independent contractors and the town of Westfinster, it’s safe to say there’s little-to-no oversight. Heathcliff just drives around in his “spank van” delivering vigilante puppy justice, all with the blessing of The Man. Enabling-ass humans.

In The Heat Of The Night.

Heathcliff is DTF7fc0b4705eaa012ee3bf00163e41dd5b

About that shirt…

Boy cats don’t go into heat, so that’s probably not his shirt. Did Heathcliff steal his girlfriend’s shirt and that wear it to her house. Kinky. Also, weird. Why does she own a shirt that says she’s in heat? You can tell when it cat is in heat. I assume it was a gift from a friend who bought it at Spencer’s Cat Gifts.

Also, why didn’t that kid stop Heathcliff from wearing the shirt? Worst wingboy ever.

Winter Is Coming.

I don’t know what kind of protection money the butcher is paying Heathcliff but clearly, it’s not enough.

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The cool part about this is that the people of Westfinster have just given up. You own a building with locking doors, you make your livelihood selling meat, there’s a dog catcher. I’m just saying, you could probably stop a tabby cat from destroying your business on the regular if you really tried.

Meanwhile, over at the deli, my friends and I spent an entire day on Facebook trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Seriously. One person is missing from this thread because he quit facebook. Toward the end. Smart move, J2. Smart move, indeed.

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J: That cat is unshooable.

P: That dude is always going HAM.

J: Bet that asshole cat shows up at Hallmark stores wearing one that says “CARDS.”

Me: Why do they always let him into their stores? It’s not like there’s a law that says kicking a stealing cat out of a food store is discrimination.

J: Hell, they can even manhandle (cathandle??) him without fear of a lawsuit. He’s a cat. Try filing suit without thumbs, tuna breath!

Me: No one ever puts their foot down. He drives a monster truck. Stop him!

J: Wait, now I’m looking this over again — is he actually wearing a pompadour wig with “HAM” on it?? IS IT A WIG?!? GOD DAMN IT I’M LOSING MY SHIT OVER HERE!!!

B: Someone call the Health Department.

Me: Heath department?

B: Boom!

Me: OMG, I don’t know if it’s a wig or a helmet. I hate you, J!

J: *sobs*

J: (from the mindfuck of this cartoon, not from you hating me)

B: Where’s Angie Jordan when you need her?

W: What’s not to get? Ham Hat!

Me:


J: New ringtone!

B2: This is my fault, isn’t it?

Me: Kind of. I don’t think we were fb friends when I went on the insane Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane cover posting spree. Or the Richie Rich spree.

Me: So many questions about this simple cartoon. Or, if you say “ham”, is Heathcliff going to show off. Because he’s a ham. SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Me: Wait, is he on Team Ham and he has the helmet because if you try to take the ham, he will tackle you?

Me: Yay! We may have solved the mystery! Maybe.

Me: But why is that butcher shop letting a cat intimidate customers?

Me: I was right! http://joshreads.com/?p=18343

I still don’t know what’s up with the butcher letting a cat in a helmet intimidate customers. He’s wearing a helmet, that actually gives you an advantage as a human if you want to fight a cat. Stop enabling him, people.

A Fascinating Sociological Study Of The Cat Prison Cycle.

Heathcliff’s dad, Pop, is a career criminal.

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Sometimes he lives with Grandma, Grandpa and Heathcliff and sometimes he’s in jail. Which is weird, for several reasons:

1. Animal control seems only concerned with catching dogs. crhea130109

2. Heathcliff routinely commits crime and never gets arrested. So much crime.

3. If you’re a career criminal pet who routinely commits crime and you keep getting “arrested”, you’re usually euthanized.

But the weirdest thing, obviously, is that Heathcliff’s dad wears prison clothes. Somewhere near Westfinster, there is an adorable cat prison that dresses cats up in clothes. Westfinster might be in Japan. And this cat prison might be a private prison run by the lady who runs Cat Prin:  tailor of a cat.

You can tell Heathcliff’s dad is trying to be a good dad because he’s trying to spend time with his son. Then again, he’s not really trying that hard to be a good influence because, well, HE WEARS PRISON CLOTHES ON THE OUTSIDE. Also, they plot crimes together.

heathcliffs DadWhat are they getting away from? Also: Heathcliff has, like, 20 modes of transport already. Where did this rundown car come from? And why don’t their owners seem concerned. About the owners…

Why don’t Grandma and Grandpa take some responsibility for their cat. My cat used to be an outdoor cat until he got arrested for breaking into my neighbors house and, after retrieving him from the Humane Society, he became an indoor cat (because he had gotten sick). This is a true story. Also, my cat was allowed to wear his normal cat clothes consisting of nothing. How much money do these people spend on bailing Pop out of cat prison? And how doesn’t Heathcliff just use his insider connections to prevent his dad from getting arrested? Westfinster is perhaps the most confusingly corrupt town in the Western cartoon world.

On the Heathcliff cartoon (The second one. Yes, there were two.) Pop doesn’t wear prison clothes. He just has heavier stripes. I guess because he was born a criminal. Or he got cat tattoos in prison. I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to believe that some cats are innate criminals.

Here’s the YouTube summary for the episode “Pop on Parole“.

“Heathcliff’s father has been paroled from prison for good behavior. But he needs to visit his parole officer before 5pm. Pops decides to drop in on his son, and Heathcliff immediately thinks he broke outta the joint! He tries to hide him, but he runs away, eventually due to Heathcliff’s harassment (and the fact that he’s a habitual criminal), he robs a bank and is hauled off to jail again.”‘

There’s a cat parole office in Westfinster? Who runs that? Again, no one gives a damn what Heathcliff does. Also, this entire episode is crazy. Heathcliff drove his dad into going back to prison. Is there a cat therapist in Westfinster? There needs to be. Whew boy.  Anyway, you can watch this episode if you want.

I know what you’re thinking; where’s Heathcliff’s mom?

Here’s a summary from a YouTube account where you can buy an episode of the show (including another episode about hockey):

Heathcliff’s thrilled to learn his mom is coming to visit, but terrified she’ll discover he’s been fibbing about living with a wealthy family. Enlisting Sonja’s aid, Heathcliff pretends to live in her mansion. Between dodging Marcy and Iggy in the neighborhood and the maid and butler inside the mansion, Heathcliff has his hands full keeping up a fat-cat front. Finally, Heathcliff confesses to Mom. After meeting the Nutmegs she wonders why Heathcliff bothered fibbing when he lives with such a wonderful family. Giving Mom a goodbye kiss, Heathcliff suggests that maybe he lives with a good family because he came from a good family.

Wait, how did she find Heathcliff in the first place? I have so many questions but this blog isn’t about the television shows, it’s about the comic strip.

You can watch the segment here:

In conclusion, someone should write a dissertation on Heathcliff’s family.

Travel & Leisure.

Heathcliff has a lot of ways to get around town. And everyone in town seems perfectly fine with whichever mode of transport he chooses.

72f5a3c0e64c01300614001dd8b71c47Old people sure don’t like change. Or pygmy hippos roaming their already unsafe streets. Unsafe because Heathcliff roams them.

9bfa9240ebcc01300a94001dd8b71c47That’s nice. Does Heathcliff always take her out in a monster truck though?

291937c09ff80130cf54001dd8b71c47Oh, I guess he doesn’t. Clio (Heathcliff’s boo) has very selectively-concerned owners. They’re concerned that he brings back their cat, that he leaves before they’re sick of him and that he’s a gentleman. Yet, somehow, they’re entirely unconcerned about where he got that monster truck or hot air balloon.

bc0a2b105eb1012ee3bf00163e41dd5bDoes he ever let you know where the hell he gets these animals? Also, you should probably feed that elephant before shit gets real. Heathcliff’s tantrums are nothing compared to an elephant’s.

crhea130107Sure. Physics, ladies and gentlemen.

crhea130102Why does your cat have money to bet with in the first place? Also, you’re fine with letting your cat enslave Grandpa but not with money being bet? And what the hell were they betting on? Plus, he’s not even going anywhere, they’re just walking around the yard.

i121119heathcliffHe got there in a car. After getting himself to a pizzaria and convincing them to drive him to his girlfriend’s. Enabling-ass, humans.

050b89c09a7801303975001dd8b71c47This makes no sense. That’ll show those dogs! Step on the signs that warn people that they’re there, so they can bite more people. Also, that’s weird that those people are concerned about the destroyed sign but not the sign destroyer, a damn elephant. Where the hell does he keep this elephant?

6f2b4ad0d9ba0130fc3c001dd8b71c47Who is that lady? I don’t think that’s Grandma. Does this woman just go around giving rides to cats in need?

1eb2db60e1fa013002e2001dd8b71c47How many animal-cars does Heathcliff have? Or is there some type of animal-share in the town of Westfinster, where people can check out various animals to ride. It’s certainly more environmentally friendly than, say, a monster truck.