Cats Be Real Creeperish.

My younger cousin hates cats. I thought it was because he’s severely allergic to them. Turns out, it’s for a deeper reason. My cousin explained, “Yo, cats be real creeperish. They be rubbin’ up on you like uninvited houseguests, then they just leave like nothing happened.”

A few things:
1. Dogs hump legs.
2. What kind of uninvited houseguests does my cousin have? If an uninvited houseguest rubs up on you, that’s probably a break-in. Only a Minnesotan would call a break-in/molestation “an uninvited houseguest.”
3. Should the cat stick around for a while? What cat hurt him?

Still, my cousin has a point. And nothing underscores this point better than the creeperish stuff Heathcliff be doing.

Here, Heathcliff partakes in some good, ol’ fashioned street harassment. crhea071008

 

The weird part is that the construction workers aren’t giving “The New Kid” grief for needing to be “mentored” by a cat.  In other news, what’s up with the legs of those two construction workers? It looks like they have paddles for legs.

Wait, does Heathcliff work for the construction company? That would explain where he gets all his money. Also, it brings into question the structural integrity of the entire town of Westfinster.

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Aren’t all cats metrosexual by default? Have you ever been around a cat? Diva/os, ALL of them.

But back to Heathcliff’s creeperish behavior…

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Heathcliff has taught himself to play the fife and he has composed a “nut song”. Look, I’m not animal expert but I’m pretty sure that squirrels aren’t drawn toward the sound of fifes. Also: “nut song” looks/sounds like some type of hazing invented by frat boys. If I had to guess which frat Heathcliff belonged to, I’d say DKE.

Oh my stars, “nut song” IS a frat thing. From Urban Dictionary:

A song played by someone to celebrate getting a nut. It is traditionally played early in the morning in a fraternity house as the girl is leaving in order to A.) wake up your neighbors to let them know you got a nut, and B.) alert your boys so they have a chance to check her out as she leaves. It is also typically a really funny/goofy song, eg. the YMCA song, or Jump (For My Love).

Yup, Heathcliff is totally a DKE bro.

The more I learn about Heathcliff, the more I think he’s one of those “pick-up artist” bros. Heathcliff probably ghostwrote The Game.

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Heathcliff probably wants to copyright his pick-up lines because he still hasn’t been compensated for being the real author or The Game. Yup, you heard it here first, Neil Strauss didn’t write The Game, Heathcliff the Cat did.

I don’t understand why Clio, Heathcliff’s girlfriend, puts up with him. Also, I don’t understand why all these lady cats are standing peacefully outside, waiting for Heathcliff. If his pick-up lines were that good, those cats would be fighting with each other. Unless, all those cats are scorned women, planning on killing Heathcliff as soon as he exists the law firm.

Also: there’s an intellectual property law firm in Westfinster that has cat clientele.

Finally, there’s this gem from a 9-11 a few years ago.

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Heathcliff is an independent contractor for the Westfinster Dog Catcher. Why don’t they catch cats? Good question. Anyway, given what we know about independent contractors and the town of Westfinster, it’s safe to say there’s little-to-no oversight. Heathcliff just drives around in his “spank van” delivering vigilante puppy justice, all with the blessing of The Man. Enabling-ass humans.

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A Fascinating Sociological Study Of The Cat Prison Cycle.

Heathcliff’s dad, Pop, is a career criminal.

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Sometimes he lives with Grandma, Grandpa and Heathcliff and sometimes he’s in jail. Which is weird, for several reasons:

1. Animal control seems only concerned with catching dogs. crhea130109

2. Heathcliff routinely commits crime and never gets arrested. So much crime.

3. If you’re a career criminal pet who routinely commits crime and you keep getting “arrested”, you’re usually euthanized.

But the weirdest thing, obviously, is that Heathcliff’s dad wears prison clothes. Somewhere near Westfinster, there is an adorable cat prison that dresses cats up in clothes. Westfinster might be in Japan. And this cat prison might be a private prison run by the lady who runs Cat Prin:  tailor of a cat.

You can tell Heathcliff’s dad is trying to be a good dad because he’s trying to spend time with his son. Then again, he’s not really trying that hard to be a good influence because, well, HE WEARS PRISON CLOTHES ON THE OUTSIDE. Also, they plot crimes together.

heathcliffs DadWhat are they getting away from? Also: Heathcliff has, like, 20 modes of transport already. Where did this rundown car come from? And why don’t their owners seem concerned. About the owners…

Why don’t Grandma and Grandpa take some responsibility for their cat. My cat used to be an outdoor cat until he got arrested for breaking into my neighbors house and, after retrieving him from the Humane Society, he became an indoor cat (because he had gotten sick). This is a true story. Also, my cat was allowed to wear his normal cat clothes consisting of nothing. How much money do these people spend on bailing Pop out of cat prison? And how doesn’t Heathcliff just use his insider connections to prevent his dad from getting arrested? Westfinster is perhaps the most confusingly corrupt town in the Western cartoon world.

On the Heathcliff cartoon (The second one. Yes, there were two.) Pop doesn’t wear prison clothes. He just has heavier stripes. I guess because he was born a criminal. Or he got cat tattoos in prison. I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to believe that some cats are innate criminals.

Here’s the YouTube summary for the episode “Pop on Parole“.

“Heathcliff’s father has been paroled from prison for good behavior. But he needs to visit his parole officer before 5pm. Pops decides to drop in on his son, and Heathcliff immediately thinks he broke outta the joint! He tries to hide him, but he runs away, eventually due to Heathcliff’s harassment (and the fact that he’s a habitual criminal), he robs a bank and is hauled off to jail again.”‘

There’s a cat parole office in Westfinster? Who runs that? Again, no one gives a damn what Heathcliff does. Also, this entire episode is crazy. Heathcliff drove his dad into going back to prison. Is there a cat therapist in Westfinster? There needs to be. Whew boy.  Anyway, you can watch this episode if you want.

I know what you’re thinking; where’s Heathcliff’s mom?

Here’s a summary from a YouTube account where you can buy an episode of the show (including another episode about hockey):

Heathcliff’s thrilled to learn his mom is coming to visit, but terrified she’ll discover he’s been fibbing about living with a wealthy family. Enlisting Sonja’s aid, Heathcliff pretends to live in her mansion. Between dodging Marcy and Iggy in the neighborhood and the maid and butler inside the mansion, Heathcliff has his hands full keeping up a fat-cat front. Finally, Heathcliff confesses to Mom. After meeting the Nutmegs she wonders why Heathcliff bothered fibbing when he lives with such a wonderful family. Giving Mom a goodbye kiss, Heathcliff suggests that maybe he lives with a good family because he came from a good family.

Wait, how did she find Heathcliff in the first place? I have so many questions but this blog isn’t about the television shows, it’s about the comic strip.

You can watch the segment here:

In conclusion, someone should write a dissertation on Heathcliff’s family.