Stray Observations.

I tend to post way more about Heathcliff on Facebook than on this blog. Why? Because my blog posts are way more indepth and often I’m not feeling it.

i131120heathcliff

Today’s post will be a series of stray observations. Because I’m not feeling it today.

On Captions.

My friend Pat S. insists that, even better than re-captioning every Heathcliff comic with the traditional, “Christ, what an asshole,” Heathcliff could be re-captioned with the falsely-attributed Gucci Mane line, “Bitch, I might be.” This only works part of the time.

d63

Meanwhile, Comics Curmudgeon says that the new “Christ, what an asshole” is “I’m thinking of unfriending him on facebook.”

i130528heathcliff

Bitch, it might be any of these.

On Crumbs.

Heathcliff is always harassing the urban wild-life. A while back, he dressed up as a giant crumb in order to lure birds. It didn’t work.
i130916heathcliff

Birds do some stupid stuff but there’s no way any bird thought that Heathcliff was a giant crumb. Anyway, given that Heathcliff is always trying to attack them, you’d think that birds would be leery of  Heathcliff. You’d be wrong.

crhea131211 (1)

Does this not scream “TRAP!!!!”? I have a few other questions:

  1. What was the crumb baker’s original idea that Heathcliff shot down? It was worse than a store that caters to ducks and sells crumbs?
  2. Why wouldn’t you just sell baked goods to people AND crumbs to ducks?
  3. How does Westfinster have an economy considering they cater to animals?
  4. How isn’t this a trap?

On Prison Pose.

I’m really annoyed by Heathcliff on all fours. It makes no sense. He has fat back legs and skinny arms. He can’t walk on all fours like a normal cat and when he crouches down, it should look more like a “prison pose“. And, given Heathcliff’s background and criminal tendencies, that makes WAY more sense.

crhea131209 (1)

 

Here’s Heathcliff incorrectly crouching down on all fours. No, I don’t know why he has a white beard.

And here is Heathcliff incorrectly walking on all fours.

crhea131208 (1)


On This Week.

This week Heathcliff has been insane.

Yesterday, we found Heathcliff kickin’ it in front of a fire place with a cupcake. 
crhea131216

No idea what was going on here but I have a few guesses:

  1. Heathcliff, the Emperor of Cake, is pondering what to conquer next.
  2. Heathcliff, told by his vet that he is a a cat and could die from eating cake, is pondering if he should eat the cupcake or throw himself into the fire.
  3. Heathcliff is drunk.

What’s weird about this situation is that the Nutmegs think that this is something poignant and not at all weird. Your cat that you treat like a person is treating a cupcake like a person. Everyone in Westfinster is batshit insane. Westfinster is the county seat of Batshit Crazy County.

Then today, Heathcliff kept the crazy train going.

crhea131217More questions/comments.

  1. Is Heathcliff wearing pants? The colorist appears to have messed up again. You might remember the recent pants debacle. But why would he be wearing pants?
  2. Where is Heathcliff zip-lining from?
  3. As someone pointed out on Facebook: why isn’t the zip-line going out the window? Heathcliff is just going to fly into the wall.
  4. Also from facebook: “Petted” isn’t a word.
  5. Why are there two cables?
  6. Facebook, again: Grandma is going to get decapitated.
  7. Why doesn’t Heathcliff just walk in the door?
  8. Who let him build that and why?
  9. adsfas;lhdsaf;jhsafd;kjhadsfjkhsafdh;j
  10. The Nutmeg’s house is the Tardis. It looks tiny on the outside but on the insane it’s massive. What’s up with that? You know what, if Heathcliff is part of the Dr. Who universe that would explain a lot. Bitch, he might be.
Advertisements

Stand Your Girth.

Continuing the trend of throwing incomprehensible Heathcliff comics to my friends, we have this gem:crhea131115

On the GoComics website, someone actually wrote, “What’s a girth?” Whew boy, folks.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, “Please Explain This. Also: I know what Jeremy is going to say already. No, this isn’t about his junk.”

This is what happened:

Mark: Is it just me or has he styled the lower half of his fur to look like denim?

Alvin: He cuffs his fur.

Alvin: The dumbass dog threw a pebble at his Heathclirfs stomach. Stupid move. My cat didn’t even move and kept the chickn firmly in mouth. You ever notice he does a lot of shit with his eyes closed & the most cavalier attitude ever captured in comics.

Alvin: The kids are like, daaaaaaamn!

Elizabeth: Why is he eating the drumstick with no hands?

Brandi: 1. I didn’t even notice the drumstick. This got even more weird than I originally thought. 2. Why *does* his fur have pockets?

Jeremy: Man, HC passed that kidney stone like a boss!

Brandi: This one literally makes no sense to me. Someone get Bill & James.

Brandi: Okay, did the dog throw a rock at Heathcliff and the Heathcliff used his fat belly to repel the rock while he was inexplicably eating a drumstick with no hands?

Linda: and six year olds use the word girth?

Jeremy:  I just assumed the drumstick was floating there independently as a red herring, which is perfectly logical in the Heathcliff universe.

Sarah: He’s wearing pants. Because he’s fat, and getting fatter (hence the drumstick), the pants’ button popped off, hitting the dog.

Brandi: But…This makes perfect sense and absolutely no sense at the same time. Sarah’s explanation is Schroedinger’s Heathcliff Explanation.

Sarah: I once saw this very same thing happen to Kristy Hanson in junior high during choir. We were goofing around, and somehow, her pants button popped off and launched itself for a solid 10 feet, hitting the dry erase board and putting a chip in it. That kind of velocity is nothing to mess around with.

Brandi: I assume Kristy Hanson had standard issue jeans on. Not orange jeans that were designed to blend in with the fur of a tabby cat who never wears pants.

Jeremy: I’ll be damned. He IS wearing pants! Who wears flesh/fur colored pa–never mind. Heathcliff does.

Sarah: Correct. Kristy’s jeans were of the sort that were the norm for a 14 year old girl in 1993. That is, high rise, not baggy, but not form fitting, with tapered legs.

Alvin: If he used his powers for good, he could end bullying by himself

James: Sarah is correct. Heathcliff grows buttons on his abdomen, which pop off violently when he binges on drumsticks. If he can time it so he can assault a neighborhood pooch, it is totally defensible under Stand Your Ground. Heathcliff is totally George Zimmerman in cat form.

That took way too much effort to get to the bottom of. Also, Heathcliff NEVER gets them with his girth. He never wears pants. Why is he randomly wearing pants in this comic? WHY?!

The Deepest Conversation About Sandwiches I’ve Ever Read.

Sometimes, I have absolutely no idea what a Heathcliff comic is about and I’ll just throw it to my facebook friends. Often, whenever I do this, the results are remarkable. Yesterday’s Heathcliff was no exception.

crhea131109

I posted the comic and wrote, “WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN?” and this was the resulting thread:

Bill: Heathcliff represents the inner city working class and the sandwich represents how the “white flight” to the suburbs was destroying the urban economy and ultimately taking food out of his mouth.

Bill: Heathcliff’s actually pretty heady when you look at it from just the right angle.

Brandi: So is the man who prefers “Whole Wheat” saying, “I prefer staying in the inner city and gentrifying it.”? Also, why does Heathcliff work in construction?

Bill: Because he’s an avatar of the working poor. That’s why the other worker has a hardhat and Heathcliff doesn’t. It’s to show how he has no protection from the economic forces that harm him.

Brandi: Damn, son. That’s deep. Heathcliff is a black man. 

James: I think I know what the actual joke is here, but it’s gonna be a let down after the gold I just read.

James: Alright, screw it. You see, ladies and germs… what we have here is a classic bait-and-switch. Our blue-collar friend there is picking at his bourgeois ham on wheat, while Heathcliff – get this – HEATHCLIFF is eating a freaking BIRD SANDWICH. Now the reaction we’d expect from the construction worker would be, “Holy shitballs, that’s a bird sandwich. No thank you, my good man. I prefer processed, shaved ham to a raw (living) bird.” But no, that would be low-hanging fruit. Instead, he’s all like, “What if instead, I mention the BREAD? Mofo will never see it coming. Because again, this cat probably expects me to talk about the bird. This’ll be rich! Here I go!” That’s right, Heathcliff just took us comics to CHURCH.

James: I also prefer to look at this panel and imagine that Heathcliff is not looking nose-up at the errant lunch, but rather dead-on at the reader, with one giant cataract eye – dead center at the top of his head.

Brandi: Damn. I’d pay for Bill & James’ Heathcliff Comedy Bootcamp.

I was already crying after reading Bill and James’ Heathcliff analysis but then Pat realizes that Camus is really the only person who can truly explain Heathcliff. Note: there probably needs to be a “Camus, For Why?” Blog.

Pat: I’m just gonna start pasting literary analyses from Albert Camus’s “The Stranger” but I will replace the main character, Mersault, with Heathcliff.

Pat: “The ideals of existentialism seem to be embedded heavily in this scene as Heathcliff harshly denies his belonging to the group of humanity and insists on being his own person. Any time he is forced by society to identify, interact, or express basic human emotions and behavior, he views it as a form of punishment that stifles his individual desires.”

Pat: “Heathcliff is a detached figure who views and describes much of what occurs around him from a removed position. He is emotionally indifferent to others, even to his mother and his lover.”

Alvin: I feel the theme song is a cry for help.

Brandi: There was the episode where Heathcliff tried to make his mom believe he was adopted by a rich family. He also drove his dad to rob a bank to go back to prison to get away from him. Also: Richie Incognito is scared of Heathcliff.

Pat: Heathcliff’s ultimate vindication is in having remained true to himself and to his feelings in a society that cultivates deception and hypocrisy.”

Brandi: Also: HE REALLY LIKES CAKE!

Pat: “Heathcliff is a troubled soul trying to find happiness in an indifferent world. His attitude should inspire no admiration, and certainly is not to be imitated. He is a quasi-antihero. Where typical heroes devote their entire lives to a cause, Heathcliff has no faith in any cause, and indeed recognizes no meaning. Despite his tenacity for living in the present moment, Heathcliff is blind to the fact that every choice he makes is made with his knowing that no matter what choice is made, he will ultimately die.”

Will: Wow. I see “whole wheat is heavier and healthier than white bread.”

Brandi: That makes sense too. This comic requires even more teamwork than the ham helmet one. By the way, Heathcliff also has a gravy helmet.

crhea121122

Winter Is Coming.

I don’t know what kind of protection money the butcher is paying Heathcliff but clearly, it’s not enough.

6916c1e0d9ba0130fc3c001dd8b71c47

The cool part about this is that the people of Westfinster have just given up. You own a building with locking doors, you make your livelihood selling meat, there’s a dog catcher. I’m just saying, you could probably stop a tabby cat from destroying your business on the regular if you really tried.

Meanwhile, over at the deli, my friends and I spent an entire day on Facebook trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Seriously. One person is missing from this thread because he quit facebook. Toward the end. Smart move, J2. Smart move, indeed.

31bf0700ba4b0130e3fa001dd8b71c47

J: That cat is unshooable.

P: That dude is always going HAM.

J: Bet that asshole cat shows up at Hallmark stores wearing one that says “CARDS.”

Me: Why do they always let him into their stores? It’s not like there’s a law that says kicking a stealing cat out of a food store is discrimination.

J: Hell, they can even manhandle (cathandle??) him without fear of a lawsuit. He’s a cat. Try filing suit without thumbs, tuna breath!

Me: No one ever puts their foot down. He drives a monster truck. Stop him!

J: Wait, now I’m looking this over again — is he actually wearing a pompadour wig with “HAM” on it?? IS IT A WIG?!? GOD DAMN IT I’M LOSING MY SHIT OVER HERE!!!

B: Someone call the Health Department.

Me: Heath department?

B: Boom!

Me: OMG, I don’t know if it’s a wig or a helmet. I hate you, J!

J: *sobs*

J: (from the mindfuck of this cartoon, not from you hating me)

B: Where’s Angie Jordan when you need her?

W: What’s not to get? Ham Hat!

Me:


J: New ringtone!

B2: This is my fault, isn’t it?

Me: Kind of. I don’t think we were fb friends when I went on the insane Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane cover posting spree. Or the Richie Rich spree.

Me: So many questions about this simple cartoon. Or, if you say “ham”, is Heathcliff going to show off. Because he’s a ham. SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Me: Wait, is he on Team Ham and he has the helmet because if you try to take the ham, he will tackle you?

Me: Yay! We may have solved the mystery! Maybe.

Me: But why is that butcher shop letting a cat intimidate customers?

Me: I was right! http://joshreads.com/?p=18343

I still don’t know what’s up with the butcher letting a cat in a helmet intimidate customers. He’s wearing a helmet, that actually gives you an advantage as a human if you want to fight a cat. Stop enabling him, people.