Just A Cat.

Heathcliff at the vet

Okay, so you’re telling me that Heathcliff is a smart enough cat to run complex schemes, help people open businesses and to have a bookie but sometimes he just does some dumb cat shit? Also, let’s talk about the logistics of a cat nip app. How does that work? Catnip gains it’s power from cats smelling and consuming it. How does looking at an app drive him crazy? Then again, I have met people who smoke a ton of weed and act downright crazy just looking at pictures of pot. I guess that could be what this app does.

It’s just weird that grandpa is teasing with Heathcliff using a phone app considering that he recently brought him to the vet because he was using his phone too much.

heathcliff phone collar

While we’re here, let’s talk about this collar. Heathcliff is smart enough to operate a phone, don’t you think he can just remove that collar whenever he wants? Also, what veterinary school gives out degrees that just say “Vet.” I don’t know any veterinarians I can ask but if you know of any, please ask them which shitty vet school is out here doing this.

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Girl, What?

grandma beesHeathcliff is very confused. Why is she lecturing him on being nice to bees? Isn’t grandma just supposed to excuse his deplorable behavior by explaining that “HE REALLY LIKES BEES!” or some such nonsense?

Also: Grandma got some junk in that trunk.

In Which I Apologize and Then Redeem Myself.

First off, I’d like to issue a correction.

I’ve been referring to Heathcliff’s girlfriend as “Cleo.” Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name is Sonja. Clio is Riff-Raff’s girlfiend. Riff-Raff is one of the Catillac Cats. I’m sorry if I upset you with my mistakes but at least I’m not Slate. Amirite?

Here’s a picture of Riff-Raff and Cleo in a giant hot air balloon shaped like Riff-Raff’s head.riffraffballoon Ladies, if your man picks you up in a balloon shaped like his head, you best lock that man down.

Next, it has come to my attention that Josh over at The Comics Curmudgeon has linked to this blog. Yay! He has some breaking Heathcliff news that I tweeted about but was too busy watching terrible television to blog about. Check it out!

Earlier today I went to Popeye’s and my grandma gifted me a set of warm pajamas. Then I sat at home and watched television, including the wonderful Kroll Show. I only tell you this because it sets up what an amazing day I was having BEFORE what I write next happened.

On tonight’s Kroll Show, Friend-of-the-Blog and actor Peter Gallagher played a gigolo mentor.

Before the show aired, I’d heard he was going to be a guest on the show but had no idea what he’d be doing. I sent him a tweet about my hopes for his appearance and referencing an earlier exchange about Heathcliff. AND HE REPLIED!
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Anyway, I know you read this blog because of the hard-hitting investigative reporting about Heathcliff that you can’t get at places that shell out for custom domains. I’ve been trying to track down more information about “Non-Actor Peter Gallagher” (that’s what my friends and I call the cartoonist). So far, I’ve located original Heathcliff cartoonist George Gately’s obit. I also spent 2 minutes Googling. Interesting tidbits from the LA Times obit:

Heathcliff, named after the major character in the classic Emily Bronte novel “Wuthering Heights,” was indeed a success. The strip, offering the adventures of the smug fat cat, predated by several years “Garfield,” another strip with a feline star.

Everyone can shut the hell up and eat some lasagna because Heathcliff was first.

“[Heathcliff] had this great idea of himself, his importance,” John Gallagher said. “He would go to get his family tree traced but was also a hellion who had his own bookie.”

Heathcliff is Rob Ford, maybe?

“He would go to cat shows around the country and people would come seeking autographs, not for themselves but for their cats,” John Gallagher said. “So he would sign his name [and] ‘Good Luck, Tabby,’ or ‘Best Wishes, Spike.’ “

Gallagher recalled that one woman asked for a particularly odd inscription.

“Her cat was named Hitler, so somewhere there is an autograph from George Gately reading: ‘Good Luck, Hitler,’ ” Gallagher said.

WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK?! If someone asks you to sign something for their cat named Hitler, you say “no.” You always say no.

“When you look at the features that have been successful, you notice that they’re usually very simple, and deal with things that people of every circumstance can relate to. . . . I’m very careful to never make the home in my cartoon look too fancy. I’m as interested in having the poorest person relate to Heathcliff as I am the richest person.”

Poor people don’t get new furniture ever day. There is absolutely no consistency in that house. There’s a fridge that moves around the kitchen. Yes, this will be a post. My friend, Pat, gets very upset about the fridge moving around.

Anyway, RIP George Gately.

Stray Observations.

I tend to post way more about Heathcliff on Facebook than on this blog. Why? Because my blog posts are way more indepth and often I’m not feeling it.

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Today’s post will be a series of stray observations. Because I’m not feeling it today.

On Captions.

My friend Pat S. insists that, even better than re-captioning every Heathcliff comic with the traditional, “Christ, what an asshole,” Heathcliff could be re-captioned with the falsely-attributed Gucci Mane line, “Bitch, I might be.” This only works part of the time.

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Meanwhile, Comics Curmudgeon says that the new “Christ, what an asshole” is “I’m thinking of unfriending him on facebook.”

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Bitch, it might be any of these.

On Crumbs.

Heathcliff is always harassing the urban wild-life. A while back, he dressed up as a giant crumb in order to lure birds. It didn’t work.
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Birds do some stupid stuff but there’s no way any bird thought that Heathcliff was a giant crumb. Anyway, given that Heathcliff is always trying to attack them, you’d think that birds would be leery of  Heathcliff. You’d be wrong.

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Does this not scream “TRAP!!!!”? I have a few other questions:

  1. What was the crumb baker’s original idea that Heathcliff shot down? It was worse than a store that caters to ducks and sells crumbs?
  2. Why wouldn’t you just sell baked goods to people AND crumbs to ducks?
  3. How does Westfinster have an economy considering they cater to animals?
  4. How isn’t this a trap?

On Prison Pose.

I’m really annoyed by Heathcliff on all fours. It makes no sense. He has fat back legs and skinny arms. He can’t walk on all fours like a normal cat and when he crouches down, it should look more like a “prison pose“. And, given Heathcliff’s background and criminal tendencies, that makes WAY more sense.

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Here’s Heathcliff incorrectly crouching down on all fours. No, I don’t know why he has a white beard.

And here is Heathcliff incorrectly walking on all fours.

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On This Week.

This week Heathcliff has been insane.

Yesterday, we found Heathcliff kickin’ it in front of a fire place with a cupcake. 
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No idea what was going on here but I have a few guesses:

  1. Heathcliff, the Emperor of Cake, is pondering what to conquer next.
  2. Heathcliff, told by his vet that he is a a cat and could die from eating cake, is pondering if he should eat the cupcake or throw himself into the fire.
  3. Heathcliff is drunk.

What’s weird about this situation is that the Nutmegs think that this is something poignant and not at all weird. Your cat that you treat like a person is treating a cupcake like a person. Everyone in Westfinster is batshit insane. Westfinster is the county seat of Batshit Crazy County.

Then today, Heathcliff kept the crazy train going.

crhea131217More questions/comments.

  1. Is Heathcliff wearing pants? The colorist appears to have messed up again. You might remember the recent pants debacle. But why would he be wearing pants?
  2. Where is Heathcliff zip-lining from?
  3. As someone pointed out on Facebook: why isn’t the zip-line going out the window? Heathcliff is just going to fly into the wall.
  4. Also from facebook: “Petted” isn’t a word.
  5. Why are there two cables?
  6. Facebook, again: Grandma is going to get decapitated.
  7. Why doesn’t Heathcliff just walk in the door?
  8. Who let him build that and why?
  9. adsfas;lhdsaf;jhsafd;kjhadsfjkhsafdh;j
  10. The Nutmeg’s house is the Tardis. It looks tiny on the outside but on the insane it’s massive. What’s up with that? You know what, if Heathcliff is part of the Dr. Who universe that would explain a lot. Bitch, he might be.

Stand Your Girth.

Continuing the trend of throwing incomprehensible Heathcliff comics to my friends, we have this gem:crhea131115

On the GoComics website, someone actually wrote, “What’s a girth?” Whew boy, folks.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, “Please Explain This. Also: I know what Jeremy is going to say already. No, this isn’t about his junk.”

This is what happened:

Mark: Is it just me or has he styled the lower half of his fur to look like denim?

Alvin: He cuffs his fur.

Alvin: The dumbass dog threw a pebble at his Heathclirfs stomach. Stupid move. My cat didn’t even move and kept the chickn firmly in mouth. You ever notice he does a lot of shit with his eyes closed & the most cavalier attitude ever captured in comics.

Alvin: The kids are like, daaaaaaamn!

Elizabeth: Why is he eating the drumstick with no hands?

Brandi: 1. I didn’t even notice the drumstick. This got even more weird than I originally thought. 2. Why *does* his fur have pockets?

Jeremy: Man, HC passed that kidney stone like a boss!

Brandi: This one literally makes no sense to me. Someone get Bill & James.

Brandi: Okay, did the dog throw a rock at Heathcliff and the Heathcliff used his fat belly to repel the rock while he was inexplicably eating a drumstick with no hands?

Linda: and six year olds use the word girth?

Jeremy:  I just assumed the drumstick was floating there independently as a red herring, which is perfectly logical in the Heathcliff universe.

Sarah: He’s wearing pants. Because he’s fat, and getting fatter (hence the drumstick), the pants’ button popped off, hitting the dog.

Brandi: But…This makes perfect sense and absolutely no sense at the same time. Sarah’s explanation is Schroedinger’s Heathcliff Explanation.

Sarah: I once saw this very same thing happen to Kristy Hanson in junior high during choir. We were goofing around, and somehow, her pants button popped off and launched itself for a solid 10 feet, hitting the dry erase board and putting a chip in it. That kind of velocity is nothing to mess around with.

Brandi: I assume Kristy Hanson had standard issue jeans on. Not orange jeans that were designed to blend in with the fur of a tabby cat who never wears pants.

Jeremy: I’ll be damned. He IS wearing pants! Who wears flesh/fur colored pa–never mind. Heathcliff does.

Sarah: Correct. Kristy’s jeans were of the sort that were the norm for a 14 year old girl in 1993. That is, high rise, not baggy, but not form fitting, with tapered legs.

Alvin: If he used his powers for good, he could end bullying by himself

James: Sarah is correct. Heathcliff grows buttons on his abdomen, which pop off violently when he binges on drumsticks. If he can time it so he can assault a neighborhood pooch, it is totally defensible under Stand Your Ground. Heathcliff is totally George Zimmerman in cat form.

That took way too much effort to get to the bottom of. Also, Heathcliff NEVER gets them with his girth. He never wears pants. Why is he randomly wearing pants in this comic? WHY?!

I Think I See The Problem(s).

Heathcliff, A Real American Cat, is always trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Granted, he subsists off the corporate welfare of enabling humans but whatever.

It’s almost Halloween and Heathcliff has a brilliant business plan!

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1. Those are lemons. Before you call Heathcliff a dumbass, know that cats can’t see the color green. Those kids are assholes for not telling him that he’s been carving lemons. Then again, he’s an idiot for not knowing that lemons and limes smell and taste different.

2. Lemons/limes don’t really hold up when carved. And they REALLY won’t hold up once you put a tiny candle in them.

3. Heathcliff, for why?

Get Your Own Damn Dinner.

Heathcliff loves to eat. In fact, he loves ham so much that he somehow acquired Team Ham gear. Heathcliff is savvy enough to steal food and to hoist a flag proclaiming his (bullshit) love of cake yet, somehow, he can’t open the fridge to get food in his own house.

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Heathcliff is a jerk. Also, why do Grandma and Grandpa even bother feeding Heathcliff regular cat food. He hates it and he keeps making it known.

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I assume they’ve already stolen and eaten dinner during one of their father/son crime sprees.

Also, you have Heathcliff and Pops living on your house, you really shouldn’t leave other animals unattended.

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Oh, look, Heathcliff being creeperish. I’m surprised he hasn’t actually eaten them yet.

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Oh.

 

I appreciate how matter-of-fact these fish are as they’re staring certain death in the face. Very courageous. These fish are the true heroes of Westfinster.

Anyway, an unattended fishbowl is nothing, considering that Heathcliff has built high-tech contraptions to take out his enemies or prey.

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I don’t understand a lot about this picture. Especially, the perspective. Why are the bird AND the mouse so large? That’s a huge mousetrap Heathcliff built but it’s nothing compared to this:

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I have no idea what Heathcliff’s end-game is with Robocat. I does, however, raise the issue of Heathcliff starting a drone program. I’m concerned.

Wait…they’re not really in any danger at all. Heathcliff just takes the fish out to play with them? That’s mad creepy, Heathcliff.

crhea130101Heathcliff drinks beer but he can’t figure out how to operate a faucet and get water that doesn’t have fish living in it? Does this cat know how anything inside his own home works?

You need to stop drinking so much, Heathcliff. 


 

 

Drunks Of All Stripes.

Earlier, I said that Heathcliff never gets in trouble for any of the crime that he commits. That might not true. He seems to have a criminal attorney.crhea131005

To be fair, that could be his dad‘s attorney. Regardless of who he represents, this attorney thinks that it’s a good idea to get drunk with a cat right in front of the courthouse. Look, maybe the reason you’re forced to be an attorney for cats is because you think having a cookout in front of the courthouse with your client is a good idea.

It’s weird how cats are allowed to have therapists, attorneys and all sorts of other things in Westfinster and they can be convicted of crimes but there are no cat-owned businesses. Inevitably, this will lead to a cat uprising in Westfinster. I don’t want to be like, “I told you so.” when it happens…but I will be.

 

Also, this isn’t a nice tailgate. It’s, like, two sausages and some beer that he probably stole from the alcoholic grandpa he lives with. i130318heathcliff

I know, just because you get drunk on St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t mean that you’re an alcoholic. But if you get drunk with your cat and your cat is also drunk, that’s a sign you might have a drinking problem. Also, this:crhea130928

Every time I’ve heard of “beer training”, it involves training for a drinking game. “Beer training” in this context isn’t a thing but co-dependency is real, yo. Heathcliff has therapists who clearly have a lot of work to do.

Anyway, the blonde attorney in the first comic the only voice of reason. His face says it all.

Still no word on who arrests Heathcliff.

Cats Be Real Creeperish.

My younger cousin hates cats. I thought it was because he’s severely allergic to them. Turns out, it’s for a deeper reason. My cousin explained, “Yo, cats be real creeperish. They be rubbin’ up on you like uninvited houseguests, then they just leave like nothing happened.”

A few things:
1. Dogs hump legs.
2. What kind of uninvited houseguests does my cousin have? If an uninvited houseguest rubs up on you, that’s probably a break-in. Only a Minnesotan would call a break-in/molestation “an uninvited houseguest.”
3. Should the cat stick around for a while? What cat hurt him?

Still, my cousin has a point. And nothing underscores this point better than the creeperish stuff Heathcliff be doing.

Here, Heathcliff partakes in some good, ol’ fashioned street harassment. crhea071008

 

The weird part is that the construction workers aren’t giving “The New Kid” grief for needing to be “mentored” by a cat.  In other news, what’s up with the legs of those two construction workers? It looks like they have paddles for legs.

Wait, does Heathcliff work for the construction company? That would explain where he gets all his money. Also, it brings into question the structural integrity of the entire town of Westfinster.

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Aren’t all cats metrosexual by default? Have you ever been around a cat? Diva/os, ALL of them.

But back to Heathcliff’s creeperish behavior…

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Heathcliff has taught himself to play the fife and he has composed a “nut song”. Look, I’m not animal expert but I’m pretty sure that squirrels aren’t drawn toward the sound of fifes. Also: “nut song” looks/sounds like some type of hazing invented by frat boys. If I had to guess which frat Heathcliff belonged to, I’d say DKE.

Oh my stars, “nut song” IS a frat thing. From Urban Dictionary:

A song played by someone to celebrate getting a nut. It is traditionally played early in the morning in a fraternity house as the girl is leaving in order to A.) wake up your neighbors to let them know you got a nut, and B.) alert your boys so they have a chance to check her out as she leaves. It is also typically a really funny/goofy song, eg. the YMCA song, or Jump (For My Love).

Yup, Heathcliff is totally a DKE bro.

The more I learn about Heathcliff, the more I think he’s one of those “pick-up artist” bros. Heathcliff probably ghostwrote The Game.

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Heathcliff probably wants to copyright his pick-up lines because he still hasn’t been compensated for being the real author or The Game. Yup, you heard it here first, Neil Strauss didn’t write The Game, Heathcliff the Cat did.

I don’t understand why Clio, Heathcliff’s girlfriend, puts up with him. Also, I don’t understand why all these lady cats are standing peacefully outside, waiting for Heathcliff. If his pick-up lines were that good, those cats would be fighting with each other. Unless, all those cats are scorned women, planning on killing Heathcliff as soon as he exists the law firm.

Also: there’s an intellectual property law firm in Westfinster that has cat clientele.

Finally, there’s this gem from a 9-11 a few years ago.

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Heathcliff is an independent contractor for the Westfinster Dog Catcher. Why don’t they catch cats? Good question. Anyway, given what we know about independent contractors and the town of Westfinster, it’s safe to say there’s little-to-no oversight. Heathcliff just drives around in his “spank van” delivering vigilante puppy justice, all with the blessing of The Man. Enabling-ass humans.

Winter Is Coming.

I don’t know what kind of protection money the butcher is paying Heathcliff but clearly, it’s not enough.

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The cool part about this is that the people of Westfinster have just given up. You own a building with locking doors, you make your livelihood selling meat, there’s a dog catcher. I’m just saying, you could probably stop a tabby cat from destroying your business on the regular if you really tried.

Meanwhile, over at the deli, my friends and I spent an entire day on Facebook trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Seriously. One person is missing from this thread because he quit facebook. Toward the end. Smart move, J2. Smart move, indeed.

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J: That cat is unshooable.

P: That dude is always going HAM.

J: Bet that asshole cat shows up at Hallmark stores wearing one that says “CARDS.”

Me: Why do they always let him into their stores? It’s not like there’s a law that says kicking a stealing cat out of a food store is discrimination.

J: Hell, they can even manhandle (cathandle??) him without fear of a lawsuit. He’s a cat. Try filing suit without thumbs, tuna breath!

Me: No one ever puts their foot down. He drives a monster truck. Stop him!

J: Wait, now I’m looking this over again — is he actually wearing a pompadour wig with “HAM” on it?? IS IT A WIG?!? GOD DAMN IT I’M LOSING MY SHIT OVER HERE!!!

B: Someone call the Health Department.

Me: Heath department?

B: Boom!

Me: OMG, I don’t know if it’s a wig or a helmet. I hate you, J!

J: *sobs*

J: (from the mindfuck of this cartoon, not from you hating me)

B: Where’s Angie Jordan when you need her?

W: What’s not to get? Ham Hat!

Me:


J: New ringtone!

B2: This is my fault, isn’t it?

Me: Kind of. I don’t think we were fb friends when I went on the insane Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane cover posting spree. Or the Richie Rich spree.

Me: So many questions about this simple cartoon. Or, if you say “ham”, is Heathcliff going to show off. Because he’s a ham. SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Me: Wait, is he on Team Ham and he has the helmet because if you try to take the ham, he will tackle you?

Me: Yay! We may have solved the mystery! Maybe.

Me: But why is that butcher shop letting a cat intimidate customers?

Me: I was right! http://joshreads.com/?p=18343

I still don’t know what’s up with the butcher letting a cat in a helmet intimidate customers. He’s wearing a helmet, that actually gives you an advantage as a human if you want to fight a cat. Stop enabling him, people.