An Important Addition To The Helmet Canon.

First we learned about the HAM helmet.

Then we learned about the GRAVY helmet.

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You won’t believe what helmet there is now, folks!

“Is it turkey or chicken wings?” – My mom

No, mom, don’t be stupid.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, chicken wings wouldn’t fit on the helmet…It’s just words? There isn’t a logo. That’s so stupid!” – My mom again

The newest Heathcliff helmet is….

THE KALE HELMET!

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Look, I don’t know which angel investor is funding Heathcliff’s bullshit businesses but he or she needs to stop. This is a stupid business model for so many reasons. How many adults can fit their heads into a helmet made for a giant cat? How many cats have money? How many of the kids in town (who happen to be the same size as Heathcliff) want a kale helmet? And why does Heathcliff like kale? He doesn’t. He robs butchers and fish mongers. He sells beef cider. Kale? Oh kaaaale no!

And Non-Actor Peter Gallagher, a New Jersey resident, actually tried passing off kale helmets during Super Bowl week? Seriously, dude? Not cool.

But can I be honest with you guys for a second? If I saw a cat selling helmets on the corner, I’d probably buy one. That’s hilarious.

Anyway, I can’t wait to see what helmet will be added to the canon next!

Next up, at some point, will be the cat-machine canon.

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In Which I Apologize and Then Redeem Myself.

First off, I’d like to issue a correction.

I’ve been referring to Heathcliff’s girlfriend as “Cleo.” Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name is Sonja. Clio is Riff-Raff’s girlfiend. Riff-Raff is one of the Catillac Cats. I’m sorry if I upset you with my mistakes but at least I’m not Slate. Amirite?

Here’s a picture of Riff-Raff and Cleo in a giant hot air balloon shaped like Riff-Raff’s head.riffraffballoon Ladies, if your man picks you up in a balloon shaped like his head, you best lock that man down.

Next, it has come to my attention that Josh over at The Comics Curmudgeon has linked to this blog. Yay! He has some breaking Heathcliff news that I tweeted about but was too busy watching terrible television to blog about. Check it out!

Earlier today I went to Popeye’s and my grandma gifted me a set of warm pajamas. Then I sat at home and watched television, including the wonderful Kroll Show. I only tell you this because it sets up what an amazing day I was having BEFORE what I write next happened.

On tonight’s Kroll Show, Friend-of-the-Blog and actor Peter Gallagher played a gigolo mentor.

Before the show aired, I’d heard he was going to be a guest on the show but had no idea what he’d be doing. I sent him a tweet about my hopes for his appearance and referencing an earlier exchange about Heathcliff. AND HE REPLIED!
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Anyway, I know you read this blog because of the hard-hitting investigative reporting about Heathcliff that you can’t get at places that shell out for custom domains. I’ve been trying to track down more information about “Non-Actor Peter Gallagher” (that’s what my friends and I call the cartoonist). So far, I’ve located original Heathcliff cartoonist George Gately’s obit. I also spent 2 minutes Googling. Interesting tidbits from the LA Times obit:

Heathcliff, named after the major character in the classic Emily Bronte novel “Wuthering Heights,” was indeed a success. The strip, offering the adventures of the smug fat cat, predated by several years “Garfield,” another strip with a feline star.

Everyone can shut the hell up and eat some lasagna because Heathcliff was first.

“[Heathcliff] had this great idea of himself, his importance,” John Gallagher said. “He would go to get his family tree traced but was also a hellion who had his own bookie.”

Heathcliff is Rob Ford, maybe?

“He would go to cat shows around the country and people would come seeking autographs, not for themselves but for their cats,” John Gallagher said. “So he would sign his name [and] ‘Good Luck, Tabby,’ or ‘Best Wishes, Spike.’ “

Gallagher recalled that one woman asked for a particularly odd inscription.

“Her cat was named Hitler, so somewhere there is an autograph from George Gately reading: ‘Good Luck, Hitler,’ ” Gallagher said.

WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK?! If someone asks you to sign something for their cat named Hitler, you say “no.” You always say no.

“When you look at the features that have been successful, you notice that they’re usually very simple, and deal with things that people of every circumstance can relate to. . . . I’m very careful to never make the home in my cartoon look too fancy. I’m as interested in having the poorest person relate to Heathcliff as I am the richest person.”

Poor people don’t get new furniture ever day. There is absolutely no consistency in that house. There’s a fridge that moves around the kitchen. Yes, this will be a post. My friend, Pat, gets very upset about the fridge moving around.

Anyway, RIP George Gately.

I Think I See The Problem(s).

Heathcliff, A Real American Cat, is always trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Granted, he subsists off the corporate welfare of enabling humans but whatever.

It’s almost Halloween and Heathcliff has a brilliant business plan!

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1. Those are lemons. Before you call Heathcliff a dumbass, know that cats can’t see the color green. Those kids are assholes for not telling him that he’s been carving lemons. Then again, he’s an idiot for not knowing that lemons and limes smell and taste different.

2. Lemons/limes don’t really hold up when carved. And they REALLY won’t hold up once you put a tiny candle in them.

3. Heathcliff, for why?

Drunks Of All Stripes.

Earlier, I said that Heathcliff never gets in trouble for any of the crime that he commits. That might not true. He seems to have a criminal attorney.crhea131005

To be fair, that could be his dad‘s attorney. Regardless of who he represents, this attorney thinks that it’s a good idea to get drunk with a cat right in front of the courthouse. Look, maybe the reason you’re forced to be an attorney for cats is because you think having a cookout in front of the courthouse with your client is a good idea.

It’s weird how cats are allowed to have therapists, attorneys and all sorts of other things in Westfinster and they can be convicted of crimes but there are no cat-owned businesses. Inevitably, this will lead to a cat uprising in Westfinster. I don’t want to be like, “I told you so.” when it happens…but I will be.

 

Also, this isn’t a nice tailgate. It’s, like, two sausages and some beer that he probably stole from the alcoholic grandpa he lives with. i130318heathcliff

I know, just because you get drunk on St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t mean that you’re an alcoholic. But if you get drunk with your cat and your cat is also drunk, that’s a sign you might have a drinking problem. Also, this:crhea130928

Every time I’ve heard of “beer training”, it involves training for a drinking game. “Beer training” in this context isn’t a thing but co-dependency is real, yo. Heathcliff has therapists who clearly have a lot of work to do.

Anyway, the blonde attorney in the first comic the only voice of reason. His face says it all.

Still no word on who arrests Heathcliff.