Laundry Day.

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Heathcliff doesn’t wear clothes very often and if he did, he wouldn’t be able to fit into any of these clothes. But let’s say Heathcliff did wear these clothes. They’re basically the same size as Iggy Nutmeg’s clothes. How sad would your life be if you had to live with your grandparents and share clothes with their lawless cat? Very. Pray for Iggy Nutmeg, y’all.

Hey Helmet.

We have another update to the Heathcliff Helmet Canon: the HEY helmet.

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I have many things to say about this.

Why is he wearing the helmet in this scenario? Heathcliff normally wears a helmet when he’s about to attack something. This helmet seems inconsistent with his agenda of socializing with people at the party. Also, who are these people at the party? The Nutmegs don’t seem to have that many young friends. And why is grandpa a waiter at his own party?

Pat, a friend of mine, pointed out that Heathcliff probably just told a racist joke. He’s probably not wrong. Also: are there any non-white people in Westfinster?

Heathcliff Without Heathcliff.

My friend Jeremy aka @afterglide on Twitter made Heathcliff Without Heathcliff. I suggested that Iggy Nutmeg was really Jon Arbuckle as a child and Jeremy suggested that Heathcliff needs its own thing like Garfield Minus Garfield. He’s right. I have invited Jeremy to post his work on this blog, so who knows if he will.

Heathcliff Without Heathcliff

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What’s great about Heathcliff Without Heathcliff is that it’s just people yelling explanations for no goddamn reason.

Meanwhile, my friend Sarah (who makes jewelry here) has explained why this improves Heathcliff on Facebook:

No, it makes exponentially more sense AND is funny! Wow. Garfield Minus Garfield just paints John as a nut, this creates believable scenarios with just a touch of wry humor.

Two old men saying “You say ‘bro” too much” to one another!? Hilarious! Iggy fretting about hearing the parole officer’s faux LOLs? Totally “awww” worthy! And telling the lady they’re all out of soup without Heathcliff and his big, dumb spoon turning it all to a giant health code violation? Well, I tittered.

I think what I’ve learned here is that NAPG [non-actor Peter Gallagher] draws these first without Heathcliff and then strives to insert him in the least humorous manner possible

An Important Addition To The Helmet Canon.

First we learned about the HAM helmet.

Then we learned about the GRAVY helmet.

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You won’t believe what helmet there is now, folks!

“Is it turkey or chicken wings?” – My mom

No, mom, don’t be stupid.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, chicken wings wouldn’t fit on the helmet…It’s just words? There isn’t a logo. That’s so stupid!” – My mom again

The newest Heathcliff helmet is….

THE KALE HELMET!

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Look, I don’t know which angel investor is funding Heathcliff’s bullshit businesses but he or she needs to stop. This is a stupid business model for so many reasons. How many adults can fit their heads into a helmet made for a giant cat? How many cats have money? How many of the kids in town (who happen to be the same size as Heathcliff) want a kale helmet? And why does Heathcliff like kale? He doesn’t. He robs butchers and fish mongers. He sells beef cider. Kale? Oh kaaaale no!

And Non-Actor Peter Gallagher, a New Jersey resident, actually tried passing off kale helmets during Super Bowl week? Seriously, dude? Not cool.

But can I be honest with you guys for a second? If I saw a cat selling helmets on the corner, I’d probably buy one. That’s hilarious.

Anyway, I can’t wait to see what helmet will be added to the canon next!

Next up, at some point, will be the cat-machine canon.

Important Non-Heathcliff News.

But first, some important Heathcliff news:

I have located information on Non-Actor Peter Gallagher from his Alpha Comedy profile!  We’ll talk about it more later.

Onward to the non-Heathcliff news. Since no one has asked, yes, I do have other writings on the internet. I have a sporadically updated blog called House of Procrastination and I am on Twitter as ItsTheBrandi.

Head on over!

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In Which I Apologize and Then Redeem Myself.

First off, I’d like to issue a correction.

I’ve been referring to Heathcliff’s girlfriend as “Cleo.” Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name is Sonja. Clio is Riff-Raff’s girlfiend. Riff-Raff is one of the Catillac Cats. I’m sorry if I upset you with my mistakes but at least I’m not Slate. Amirite?

Here’s a picture of Riff-Raff and Cleo in a giant hot air balloon shaped like Riff-Raff’s head.riffraffballoon Ladies, if your man picks you up in a balloon shaped like his head, you best lock that man down.

Next, it has come to my attention that Josh over at The Comics Curmudgeon has linked to this blog. Yay! He has some breaking Heathcliff news that I tweeted about but was too busy watching terrible television to blog about. Check it out!

Earlier today I went to Popeye’s and my grandma gifted me a set of warm pajamas. Then I sat at home and watched television, including the wonderful Kroll Show. I only tell you this because it sets up what an amazing day I was having BEFORE what I write next happened.

On tonight’s Kroll Show, Friend-of-the-Blog and actor Peter Gallagher played a gigolo mentor.

Before the show aired, I’d heard he was going to be a guest on the show but had no idea what he’d be doing. I sent him a tweet about my hopes for his appearance and referencing an earlier exchange about Heathcliff. AND HE REPLIED!
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Anyway, I know you read this blog because of the hard-hitting investigative reporting about Heathcliff that you can’t get at places that shell out for custom domains. I’ve been trying to track down more information about “Non-Actor Peter Gallagher” (that’s what my friends and I call the cartoonist). So far, I’ve located original Heathcliff cartoonist George Gately’s obit. I also spent 2 minutes Googling. Interesting tidbits from the LA Times obit:

Heathcliff, named after the major character in the classic Emily Bronte novel “Wuthering Heights,” was indeed a success. The strip, offering the adventures of the smug fat cat, predated by several years “Garfield,” another strip with a feline star.

Everyone can shut the hell up and eat some lasagna because Heathcliff was first.

“[Heathcliff] had this great idea of himself, his importance,” John Gallagher said. “He would go to get his family tree traced but was also a hellion who had his own bookie.”

Heathcliff is Rob Ford, maybe?

“He would go to cat shows around the country and people would come seeking autographs, not for themselves but for their cats,” John Gallagher said. “So he would sign his name [and] ‘Good Luck, Tabby,’ or ‘Best Wishes, Spike.’ “

Gallagher recalled that one woman asked for a particularly odd inscription.

“Her cat was named Hitler, so somewhere there is an autograph from George Gately reading: ‘Good Luck, Hitler,’ ” Gallagher said.

WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK?! If someone asks you to sign something for their cat named Hitler, you say “no.” You always say no.

“When you look at the features that have been successful, you notice that they’re usually very simple, and deal with things that people of every circumstance can relate to. . . . I’m very careful to never make the home in my cartoon look too fancy. I’m as interested in having the poorest person relate to Heathcliff as I am the richest person.”

Poor people don’t get new furniture ever day. There is absolutely no consistency in that house. There’s a fridge that moves around the kitchen. Yes, this will be a post. My friend, Pat, gets very upset about the fridge moving around.

Anyway, RIP George Gately.

Important Investigative Reporting.

Today, the Comics Curmudgeon aka Josh Fruhlinger tweeted the following:

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It’s true! I do investigative Heathcliff reporting. For example, I’ve been hoping insisting that Heathcliff was drawn by Peter Gallagher the actor (Covert Affairs, The OC, Step Up 4 Revolution) as some sort of a side hobby. But then those dreams came crashing to the ground at the very end of 2013.

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This exchange might have been on of the greatest things to happen to me in 2013. Anyway, little did I know that more tragic Heathcliff news was to follow. My friend Jeremy, who I often tweet about Heathcliff with, sent me a link about Kitty Korner. Kitty Korner is the Sunday-only feature where we learn about a random American’s cat. I’ve recently submitted my cat, Jonathan, and I hope that he can get in. Turns out, Kitty Korner, in the words of Jeremy, “is farmed out.” That’s right, non-actor Peter Gallagher doesn’t even draw Kitty Korner! I can’t with this…

By the way, if you’re looking to submit to Kitty Korner, The Garbage Ape twitter account suggested that you might submit here.

Yes, I’m well aware that so much of what I’ve written here sounds crazy. Because it is. Heathcliff‘s universe is absolutely batshit insane.

Thanks for the shoutout, Josh!

Stray Observations.

I tend to post way more about Heathcliff on Facebook than on this blog. Why? Because my blog posts are way more indepth and often I’m not feeling it.

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Today’s post will be a series of stray observations. Because I’m not feeling it today.

On Captions.

My friend Pat S. insists that, even better than re-captioning every Heathcliff comic with the traditional, “Christ, what an asshole,” Heathcliff could be re-captioned with the falsely-attributed Gucci Mane line, “Bitch, I might be.” This only works part of the time.

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Meanwhile, Comics Curmudgeon says that the new “Christ, what an asshole” is “I’m thinking of unfriending him on facebook.”

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Bitch, it might be any of these.

On Crumbs.

Heathcliff is always harassing the urban wild-life. A while back, he dressed up as a giant crumb in order to lure birds. It didn’t work.
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Birds do some stupid stuff but there’s no way any bird thought that Heathcliff was a giant crumb. Anyway, given that Heathcliff is always trying to attack them, you’d think that birds would be leery of  Heathcliff. You’d be wrong.

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Does this not scream “TRAP!!!!”? I have a few other questions:

  1. What was the crumb baker’s original idea that Heathcliff shot down? It was worse than a store that caters to ducks and sells crumbs?
  2. Why wouldn’t you just sell baked goods to people AND crumbs to ducks?
  3. How does Westfinster have an economy considering they cater to animals?
  4. How isn’t this a trap?

On Prison Pose.

I’m really annoyed by Heathcliff on all fours. It makes no sense. He has fat back legs and skinny arms. He can’t walk on all fours like a normal cat and when he crouches down, it should look more like a “prison pose“. And, given Heathcliff’s background and criminal tendencies, that makes WAY more sense.

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Here’s Heathcliff incorrectly crouching down on all fours. No, I don’t know why he has a white beard.

And here is Heathcliff incorrectly walking on all fours.

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On This Week.

This week Heathcliff has been insane.

Yesterday, we found Heathcliff kickin’ it in front of a fire place with a cupcake. 
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No idea what was going on here but I have a few guesses:

  1. Heathcliff, the Emperor of Cake, is pondering what to conquer next.
  2. Heathcliff, told by his vet that he is a a cat and could die from eating cake, is pondering if he should eat the cupcake or throw himself into the fire.
  3. Heathcliff is drunk.

What’s weird about this situation is that the Nutmegs think that this is something poignant and not at all weird. Your cat that you treat like a person is treating a cupcake like a person. Everyone in Westfinster is batshit insane. Westfinster is the county seat of Batshit Crazy County.

Then today, Heathcliff kept the crazy train going.

crhea131217More questions/comments.

  1. Is Heathcliff wearing pants? The colorist appears to have messed up again. You might remember the recent pants debacle. But why would he be wearing pants?
  2. Where is Heathcliff zip-lining from?
  3. As someone pointed out on Facebook: why isn’t the zip-line going out the window? Heathcliff is just going to fly into the wall.
  4. Also from facebook: “Petted” isn’t a word.
  5. Why are there two cables?
  6. Facebook, again: Grandma is going to get decapitated.
  7. Why doesn’t Heathcliff just walk in the door?
  8. Who let him build that and why?
  9. adsfas;lhdsaf;jhsafd;kjhadsfjkhsafdh;j
  10. The Nutmeg’s house is the Tardis. It looks tiny on the outside but on the insane it’s massive. What’s up with that? You know what, if Heathcliff is part of the Dr. Who universe that would explain a lot. Bitch, he might be.